What have I done

So gishwhes….good Lord. I knew I signed up for insanity. I think that was one of the main draws to be honest. I wanted that Gishwhes Experience. Well I don’t know if it’s The Gishwhes Experience but it’s def A Gishwhes Experience. It’s been every single one of the feelings, I think. At least once.

I was supposed to be doing all these really great posts about all the shit we’re doing and how it’s going with teasers about pics to post when all is said and done but guys, well, I didn’t do that. Getting close to the end here and honestly I’m not sure what’s going on.

:fast forward a few days:

Man. It’s Monday now and I think I could still sleep a week. What a ride that shit was. I waited far too long to do this. I should have done Gishwhes ages ago.

So, I’ve been thinking pretty hard about what I want to write about, or how I want to describe what happened but I’m still kind of processing maybe? Yesterday I was so fucking tired all I wanted to do was sleep. Not as tired this morning but I could have slept a few more hours. But it’s back to regular life today. In a way I’m pretty happy about that but also I feel like I need a vacation. Also, hormones and Ice Cream the Cat are driving me nuts this morning. Jesus if it’s not one thing, it’s always several other things.

So we all know that our team had a pretty rough start. What with it all being our first time ever to do this then those first team members we got, I’m pretty sure none of us were prepared for the actual week of the hunt. But then, what light was granted us! What a miracle was sent to us! What goodness they gave us!!! The icky people were gone and the new team members saved the day! I was seriously considering just saying fuck it all and not doing it. I so close to just giving up. Sometimes I can be overtaken by despondency and man was I taken over. Thank all that’s good and holy that Team FrumpBusters was saved. And right before the hunt started too. Like, Friday. The day before the hunt. And BAMMO I was thrust into high-speed chaos for the next week.

I’ve worked on teams before. Been on conference committees. Once I even chaired a conference. But I think I was woefully unqualified to head up a Gishwhes team. Thankfully the team I had was a motherfukcing kick ass group of people.

So maybe what I should say about the whole thing is how it was amazing. How it pushed me to keep trying even though I wanted to hit the fuck it button. I was made to get out of my comfort zone. I was made to go against my introvert nature and talk to people, trust people. Let results be what they may. And those are all reasons I decided to do Gishwhes. I’ve known about it a few years now but have been scared of trying it. I was sure that I couldn’t do it. But this past year hasn’t been the hardest year I’ve had by far, but it’s been….ugh, I don’t know. Hard but not, sad but not, depressed but not, lonely but not. All totally contradictory. And all very accurate. And I needed something to force me out of it.

In the past when I needed a Jumpstart like this I have been known to go to unhealthy measures to get that relief. In the past decade and a halfish though, I’ve learned better ways to cope with a pretty heavy case of The Blahs. Or downright fucked up times too. (all that is for another blog post). That being said, this year, while not bad has certainly tested me. Last summer my sister died. Right at the end of June. Today is her birthday too (another blog post may be coming). I had been expecting it to be honest, but that doesn’t prepare you for the call. It wasn’t pretty. Actually it was tragic. And it threw me for a pretty big loop. All these feeeeeeeelings and more feeeeeelings and then family and feelings and travelling and feelings and more feelings that I, successfully or not, crammed pretty far inside. Jesus who wants to feel all that and sort it out? There were circumstances that made it more complicated. We were estranged and goddamn but that made even more icky feelings. So I really pulled in on myself and isolated. I dropped a lot of commitments. Didn’t even really want to work in the yard, and that’s my jam y’all. Well, one of my jams. So yeah, I guess I was a little depressed, numbed out, kinda separate from people and things I loved.

I cannot live to good purpose that way. I cannot sustain that kind of ‘offness’ for long without repercussions. I shared a little with a couple of people about it but it was such a tangled mess inside and feeeeeeelings. Plus I didn’t want to be a whiny baby (I know I know don’t talk like that but it’s a thing I do sometimes). And then GISHWHES!!!!!

I decided it’s fucking time to get my big girl panties back out and do something. Nothing changes if nothing changes, yeah?  And sometimes I do the whole ‘go big or go home’ routine to varying degrees success. I think this time it went well.

So I signed up to feel all the stuff that people have written about in blogs and blurbs and articles and chat rooms. I did it to make some new connections and refresh some old ones. I did it to fucking feeeeeeeeeeeel shit. And goddamn did I ever feel. Holy shit balls.

If you’ve read the previous posts you may have seen the one about the first set of new team members we got. Jesus Fucking Christ Almighty that was a fucking nightmare mess. And I felt. Then we got the new new team members and they were a dream come true and FrumpBusters was saved. Because I was this . close to quitting. Omg and Slack. Who knew?!?! I know it was crazy for some people and moved so fast with so much stuff but looooooved it. I loved the fucking weird random conversations. I loved how we came together when the Mean Man was Being Mean. I fucking loved how excited people got when we met the new ladies. I loved learning about Trello, and new music, and different ideas and just all that shit that we blabbered and shared about. I loved how I got to spend time with an old friend that lives states away and make new ones and get closer to the ones here.

And then the challenges. Dear God. I fucking peed my pants kids. Laughed so hard I peed my pants and I am not sorry. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

So, Team FrumpBusters, you helped me out of a funk, back into some creativity and positive actions. You gave me so much joy (eeech, corny I know, it’s fucking disgusting but true) and something exciting to look forward to in a way I haven’t in what feels like a very long time.  Thank you for doing it with me even though all y’all had a lot of shit going on in your worlds. It means more than I can articulate. And I just don’t think I have adequately described the fucking awesome gift this was for me. I needed gishwhes. I neeeeeeded it. So here’s some squishy hearty gross squishy feelings of goodness and gratitude.

And some pictures.

Author: concentrationlost

Mmmmm, well I'm pretty scattered most of the time. I get distracted easily. Also, a bit of a dork, and even though I hate that word, it applies. I think I'm pretty creative and artsy fartsy. Food is pretty wonderful. My favorite things to do are read, work in my yard, laugh till I pee and feel good. I'm a Pisces. Coffee isn't delicious but I still love it and my dogs are the most awesome dogs ever, even the ones that have moved on to the next plane of existence. I'll take pictures of stupid shit and enjoy it. I can be squishy, sentimental and emotional but I fucking hate crying or showing you my real feelings. I am a terrrrrrrible speller.

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