Oh what a Fangirl I am

Hey guys, heeeeeyyyyy

So there is this show that I really like and if I’m honest, sometimes I just think it’s the worst. But that somehow makes me love it even more. (How does that even work? Cause I fucking love it so bad.) And then I think about Twilight and I’m all, nope, not the worst. Not even close. (Apologies to those of you that love Twilight – I have nothing against vampires, sparkly things, young love, angst and drama, but this combo…I did not dig it)

So The Show? Supernatural. It’s epic, my love for this show, the characters, the actors, the crew, everything about it. I have seriously never ever in my life fangirled this hard over ANYTHING. Not even when I was a moody teenager. And I am so far from a moody teenager that I worry. So what about it? Well, lots actually. But where do I start? Ugh.

 

So, I guess I should talk about why I love the show etc. I’ll even throw in some shit about me while I am at it. We can maybe even consider this an open letter to The Boys. And really, this blog post is inspired by an SPN project I want to take part in. It’s maybe the rough draft of what I may or may not submit. Maybe this is that whole brainstorming thing where you throw all the shit at the wall to see what sticks. And you lucky people that chose to read this, … get to read it. So here goes!!! It might be long. I am long-winded. I love using lots of words.

Dear Dean, Sam, Cas, Jensen, Jared and Misha,

Hi, my name is Melissa and I’m a pretty regular person and I admire you greatly. I know that if you guys knew me you’d think I was pretty cool, for a regular person. I am out here in ole ok Oklahoma City.  Heh. Get it? Ok …. Oklahoma? Yeah yeah, bad joke but it was one of our illustrious leaders that thought the phrase “Oklahoma is OK!” was a great slogan; it was on the license plate for ages. Anyway….

This isn’t the reason I’m writing this. Digressing is a thing I do. I mostly edit it out of all my communications as much as I can, but I think that today I will not do that. So the fingers type what the brain thinks.

I’d like the reason that I’m writing this to have some very deep and meaningful motivations. It does actually, but you’ve more than likely heard all the deeply meaningful motivations already; one more won’t catch your eye. Also, is this supposed to be directed to Sam, Dean and Cas? But since you fictional characters, I am, hmmmm, not really sure how this is going to go. Because some of it is directed to the real people, soooooo…..(remember, the fingers type what the brain thinks). Ok, telling the real people how the characters they portray have done me good will be the way this goes. So, alrighty then, I’m addressing you Mr. Jensen Ackles, Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Misha Collins about Dean, Sam and Cas. Can I make this more complicated? You bet!

Telling you how Supernatural changed my life, improved my friendships, helped me lose ten pounds, got me rich quick and helped me realize my dreams/self worth/God’s love would only partially be bullshit (my friendship with my bestie has been improved and I have awesome new friends that are a direct result of the show)(my life has changed due to SPN, in good ways and not so good ways – things have been realized, pounds have been gained, hearts have been broken…) but it also kinda heads into that deeply meaningful and impossibly angsty prose that gags most people and fanfic is rife with. (PS there is some damn good fanfic out there) Let’s avoid pitfalls where we can.

So, here we go. Oh Dean Baby, let me tell y’all about him: he’s an alpha male – man, mmmm hmmmm. But it’s not just his sex appeal –  there are real things too and frankly, they add to the sex appeal for me. Dean is loyal to his family and friends; his friends are his family. He loves his people deeply and would do anything for them. His strength of character and dedication to the good (while being bad – why do I love that so much?) He’s smart (but he plays dumb on tv!) and someone I could unashamedly eat an entire pizza with. His moral code, while often a little too black and white for my comfort, is something that he works hard to uphold (and he will break the law to do it so that’s a thing too). He is a Rebel with A Lot of Good Causes. In short he’s funny, brave, caring, strong, dependable, crazy, mean, scary, talented, well traveled, clever, confident, unsure, proud, cocky, humble, capable, serious, fun, dedicated, spontaneous, codependent, independent and a big eater. I wish he liked dogs but I get why he wouldn’t. Not gonna mention the things I’m not that fond of, I can’t change them, I must accept them.

Dean is relateable because I, too, have a low self esteem inflamed with unreachably high self-set expectations for goodness and responsibility that is damaging to myself and my relationships; an unhealthy love of food and driving too fast along with other self-destructive ideologies and behaviors.

Sam. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.  Oh man. So the things about Dean that I am not fond of are relatively uncomplicated. With Sam I have a complex response to a complex personality. Honestly, I had a hard time with Sam the first run through the series and still do sometimes. The kicker is that I AM LIKE THAT. In the beginning, he’s angry and selfish and mean to Dean; he could be demanding and whiny too. I can’t lie, I’ve been all of those. And pretty sure I still am more than I like. But he is super smart and I have a thing for smarts. Like his brother, his intentions are always good. He doesn’t want to hurt people, he wants to help them; he has a lot of compassion and empathy. He isn’t afraid of feeeeeelings.  And he’s also strong, dedicated, loves his family and friends and is loyal (sometimes to the wrong person but who here hasn’t made that mistake?). He is very serious and takes just about everything very seriously. I have a tendency to also be so very serious. But when he laughs it’s…wonderful. He’s got this deep, kinda awkward laugh and I love it. Also, he is health conscious. Why I like that I have no idea but I do.

But then, there’s The Big One. The whole addiction thing. Oh man that was a rough one – I am not addicted to demon blood but I have spent most of my life on both sides of that good time. Watching it was hard, because so many of the thoughts and feelings of both Sam and Dean hit right at dead center of home. Jesus Christ Sammy.

Ok, now about Cas. I have a soft spot for this awkward and unsure cuy/angel/guy. Some things we share: I am confused and stumped by pop culture, movie references and slang, trench coats are cool (I don’t have one now but I had a pink London Fog trench coat in the third grade), also a serious personality, and that loyalty trait thing. A thing I have. He is sincere about shit too. But I think what gets me is his doubt in what was truth for so long. His going off the angel script, I guess you could say. His rebellion. And how all that changed him from a kind of edgy, inhuman thing to a confused and earnest it makes my  heart hurt. And then he does all that shit with very very good intentions and it all goes to hell. Purgatory. Whatever. He just wants to Fix It so bad! Ugh. How I know those feels. But of all his character development, season 13 is my fave. Fucking sass them man, sass the fuck outta all of ’em.

A thesis about Supernatural archetypes, the use of tropes, wardrobe choices, relationship dynamics and how it all applies to ‘the regular person’ has already been written, a handful of times I am sure, with plenty of ‘look at me look at me oh god PLEASE NOTICE ME’ personal commentaries inserted. (Which, let’s be honest, anything sent to you by anyone, anywhere, at any time is full of ‘look at me look at me oh god PLEASE NOTICE ME’ – this communication included) But man, all those relationship archetypes, the dynamics, the feeeellings, while pretty fucking co-dependent, are so attractive to me. I mean, who the fuck doesn’t want someone to love them so fucking much they’d sell their soul or let the world just burn for them? I am waving my hand here. Not gonna lie, I think I want that. My Dudes, I know how unhealthy that is – yet man, that is a lot of love. And what’s it feel like to love someone that fucking much? To be that close to my siblings, my friends, there is something compelling about it. I love words so much yet I cannot describe it. Those unhealthy relationship dynamics actually gave me an idea of what I had kind of been looking for in my stupid marriages. Intimacy, not sexytime intimacy y’all – that smutty stuff is fun but that these relationships don’t have it is a big deal to me. But yeah, that closeness, that emotional intimacy is so attractive and what I wanted, have wanted, do want in my relationships. It’s really hard though when chick flick moments make me sooooooo uncomfortable. Another thing Dean and I have in common. Jesus don’t make me talk about how I really feel. Ick. But ok, that vulnerability…I don’t even know. Oh shit, and the whole Dean and Bobby dynamic…aaaahhhh LOVE IT. I mean, daddy issues and then this gruff guy, and he loves them ugh. My stupid heart. Oh shit, digression.

ANYWAY

I wish I could brag about all the charitable donations I’ve made or volunteer hours I’ve logged or inspirational tweets/memes/art projects/phone calls executed in the name of Supernatural. Not to say that those haven’t happened as a direct result of Supernatural. Being a part of the #SPNFamily (do I qualify for that?) did spur me to take actions in all those regards. Just not at brag worthy levels. But there again is one more thing to go “see? see what SPN has done in my life? see what it made me do?” It made me more aware of things, and encouraged action. Made me act like a better person.

The emotions that Supernatural characters and the real life people behind them elicit in me have, quite frankly, stunned me. I was ill prepared for the reaction I had to the whole SPN Phenomenon. Look, I’ve had my fair amount of crushes, fave shows, famous loves etc throughout my life. There have been pleeeeeenty of the daydreams, the inspired choices, angsty fist-clenched tears, all the wishes and unrealized desires, all somehow connected to fiction I have loved and the folks behind it. I’ve had pleeeeeeeeenty of all that in relation to my very own real life as well (oh yay). Yet, was still, am still, surprised at the depth of my response to this show, the characters and people in and around this show, the fandom and  for all things Supernatural.  I have been totally and completely shocked, embarrassed, humbled, scared, amused and plenty other things.

Here’s a weird aside: I’ve had ENTIRE conversations with SPN gifs and ONLY SPN gifs. And serious convos too, not just fun shit, but like serious real life shit. I know I am not the only one but still, it’s cool. #Supernatural really does have a gif for everything.

Man, what else has affected me and how I live me as much as that? Only one thing. It’s a deeply meaningful and terribly personal angst ridden experience in my life. On the 17th of January I’ll celebrate 17 years of sobriety. Recovery saved the pathetic life I had and gave me the awesomely regular one I have now. And that I can pull correlatives between getting my life truly in order and Supernatural is fucking amazing. But there you have it.

Yet at the end of this composition I am still just a regular person that’s longing for a connection to something and to people that appear greater than myself. I am just another fan secretly (sometimes not so secretly) yet quite desperately hoping and wishing for some reciprocity between myself and you. You’re real people with a super fucking kick ass job and you effect change and affect hearts in deep and meaningful ways. I am just one more person that wants a bit of that glanced my way. It would be like being sprinkled with (good) fairy dust – all happily magical and shit.

I don’t have the resources (by resources I mean time and money, man, I have a life that needs my attention so choices must be made. ) I don’t have time to be on Twitter enough or make it to enough conventions (BUT I’ve made it to one and have another already planned! I think that is another blog post. Or letter. Or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be) or whatever it takes to catch your attention. Plus a lot of that is stalkery and creepy and I’m just not into that. I don’t have any self addressed stamped envelopes either. Not yet anyway. Part of me feels like I’m too old for that and besides (sticking with a theme here) I’d like an interaction more meaningful than a black and white headshot pic hastily signed on your lunch break as you ride to the airport to fly somewhere else.  I mean, I want to be seen, if that even makes any sense at all. Which it may only to me. It’s like a validation thing. You know, being noticed and liked by the coolest kids in class when you’re that back row weirdo kid. But I know that I would be sorry if I didn’t at least send it out there, stick my hand out and introduce myself, so to speak. If I want a connection I need to at least try, yeah? Yeah. Sooooo…..And the weird thing is I want to be noticed by Dean, Sam and Cas as much as Jensen, Jared and Misha, which is something else that worries me. And then I’m all “but they have so much expected of theeeeemmmm” and I feel guilty for wanting that.

OMFG ANYWAY

So, guys, there you have it. A wordy and probably poorly written something or other put out there in the fucking world wide web for any yahoo to read. So now I am embarrassed. And I think I am just fine my readership is very small. And I still haven’t decided if I want to participate in the project or not. But ah, thanks? Thank you? Thank you. How the fuck do you close something like this?

laters

byeeeeeeeeeeee

 

Author: concentrationlost

Mmmmm, well I'm pretty scattered most of the time. I get distracted easily. Also, a bit of a dork, and even though I hate that word, it applies. I think I'm pretty creative and artsy fartsy. Food is pretty wonderful. My favorite things to do are read, work in my yard, laugh till I pee and feel good. I'm a Pisces. Coffee isn't delicious but I still love it and my dogs are the most awesome dogs ever, even the ones that have moved on to the next plane of existence. I'll take pictures of stupid shit and enjoy it. I can be squishy, sentimental and emotional but I fucking hate crying or showing you my real feelings. I am a terrrrrrrible speller.

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