Concentration Lost

Oh what a Fangirl I am – edited for commentary and corrections

Hey guys, heeeeeyyyyy

So there is this show that I really like and if I’m honest, sometimes I just think it’s the worst. But that somehow makes me love it even more. (How does that even work? Cause I fucking love it so bad.) And then I think about Twilight and I’m all, nope, not the worst. Not even close. (Apologies to those of you that love Twilight – I have nothing against vampires, sparkly things, young love, angst and drama, but this combo…I did not dig it)

So The Show? Supernatural. It’s epic, my love for this show, the characters, the actors, the crew, everything about it. I have seriously never ever in my life fangirled this hard over ANYTHING. Not even when I was a moody teenager. (And I am so far from a moody teenager…) So what about it? Well, lots actually. But where do I start? Ugh.

(my god I can run the shit out of my mouth – thank all that’s good and delicious y’all can’t see in my brain)

So, I guess I should talk about why I love the show etc. I’ll even throw in stuff about me while I am at it. We can maybe even consider this an open letter to The Boys. And really, this blog post is inspired by an SPN project I want to take part in. It’s maybe the rough draft of what I may or may not submit. Maybe this is that whole brainstorming thing where you throw all the shit at the wall to see what sticks. And you lucky people that chose to read this, … get to read it. So here goes! It might be long. I am long-winded. I love using lots of words. (soooo many words) (the project was a letter to the characters about why they are so loved – I submitted nothing)

Dear Dean, Sam, Cas, Jensen, Jared and Misha,

Hi, my name is Melissa and I’m a pretty regular person and I admire you greatly. I know that if you guys knew me you’d think I was pretty cool, for a regular person. I am out here in ole OK Oklahoma City. Heh. Get it? OK …. Oklahoma? Yeah yeah, bad joke but it was one of our illustrious leaders that thought the phrase “Oklahoma is OK!” was a great slogan; it was on the license plate for ages. Anyway….

(Digressing is a thing I do. I mostly edit it out of all my communications as much as I can, but I think that today I will not do that. So the fingers type what the brain thinks.) (god the brain thinks to much and with verbosity)

I’d like the reason that I’m writing this to have some very deep and meaningful motivations. It does actually, but you’ve more than likely heard all the deeply meaningful motivations already; one more won’t catch your eye. Also, is this supposed to be directed to Sam, Dean and Cas. But since you’re fictional characters, I am, hmmmm, not really sure how this is going to go. Because some of it is directed to the real people, soooooo…..(remember, the fingers type what the brain thinks). Ok, telling the real people how the characters they portray have done me good will be the way this goes. So, alrighty then, I’m addressing you Mr. Jensen Ackles, Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Misha Collins about Dean, Sam and Cas. Can I make this more complicated? You bet!

(look, we all know that there are way more than just these three that I adore and for lots of reasons, but my god that would be way too many words here – already there are too many)

Telling you how Supernatural changed my life, improved my friendships, helped me lose ten pounds, got me rich quick and helped me realize my dreams/self worth/God’s love would only partially be bullshit (my friendship with my bestie has been improved and I have awesome new friends that are a direct result of the show)(my life has changed due to SPN, in good ways and not so good ways – things have been realized, pounds have been gained, hearts have been broken…) but it also kinda heads into that deeply meaningful and impossibly angsty prose that’s gross and fanfic is rife with. (PS there is some damn good fanfic out there)(PPS I am one of those angsty gagarific writer people) Let’s avoid pitfalls where we can. (ha, right – didn’t happen)

So, here we go. Ok, Dean, let me tell y’all about why I love him: he’s an alpha male – man, mmmm hmmmm. (wtf melissa) But it’s not just his sex appeal – there are real things too and frankly, they add to the sex appeal for me. (rolling my eyes at myself) Dean is loyal to his family and friends; his friends are his family. He loves his people deeply and would do anything for them. His strength of character and dedication to the good (while being bad – why do I love that so much?) is admirable. He’s smart (but he plays dumb on tv!) and someone I could unashamedly eat an entire pizza with. His moral code, while often a little too black and white for my comfort, is something that he works hard to uphold (and he will break the law to do it so there’s that). He is a Rebel with A Lot of Good Causes. In short he’s funny, brave, caring, strong, dependable, crazy, mean, scary, talented, well traveled, clever, confident, unsure, proud, cocky, humble, capable, serious, fun, dedicated, spontaneous, codependent, independent and a big eater. I wish he liked dogs but I get why he wouldn’t. Not gonna mention the things I’m not that fond of, I can’t change them, I must accept them.

Dean is relateable because I, too, have a low self esteem inflamed by unreachably high self-set expectations for goodness and responsibility that is damaging to myself and my relationships; an unhealthy love of food and driving too fast along with other self-destructive ideologies and behaviors. (it sounds worse than it actually is)

Sam. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. Oh man. So many things I love and relate to. Honestly, I had a hard time with Sam the first run through the series, and still do sometimes. The kicker is that I AM LIKE THAT. In the beginning, he’s angry and selfish and mean to Dean; he could be demanding and whiny too. I can’t lie, I’ve been all of those. And pretty sure I still am more than I like. But he is super smart and I have a thing for smart people. Like his brother, his intentions are always good. He doesn’t want to hurt people, he wants to help them; he has a lot of compassion and empathy. He isn’t afraid of feeeeeelings. (oh boy, I am) And he’s also strong, dedicated, loves his family and friends and is loyal (sometimes to the wrong person but who here hasn’t made that mistake?). He is very serious and takes just about everything very seriously. I have a tendency to also be so very serious. But when he laughs it’s…wonderful. He’s got this deep, kinda awkward laugh and I love it. Also, he is health conscious.

But then, there’s The Big One. The whole addiction thing. Oh man that was a rough one – I am not addicted to demon blood but I have spent most of my life on both sides of that Good Time. Watching it was hard, because so many of the thoughts and feelings of both Sam and Dean hit right at dead center of home. Jesus Christ Sammy. I feel like there should be more here …. Dean’s paragraph seems longer ….

Ok, now about Cas. I have a soft spot for this awkward and unsure guy/angel/guy. Some things we share: I am confused and stumped by pop culture, movie references and slang, (incredibly stupid sentence removed for readers sake) also a serious personality, and that loyalty trait thing. I have a painfully loyal heart. He is sincere about shit too. But I think what gets me is his doubt in what was truth for so long. His going off the angel script, I guess you could say. His rebellion. And how all that changed him from a kind of edgy, inhuman thing to a confused and earnest person it makes my heart hurt. And then he does all that shit with very very good intentions and it all goes to hell. Purgatory. Whatever. He just wants to Fix It so bad! Oh how I know those feels. But of all his character development, season 13 is my fave. Fucking sass them man, sass the fuck outta all of ’em.

A thesis about Supernatural archetypes, the use of tropes, wardrobe choices, relationship dynamics and how it all applies to ‘the regular person’ has already been written, a handful of times I am sure. (another dreadful sentence removed) But man, all those relationship archetypes, the dynamics, the feeeellings, while pretty unhealthy and co-dependent, are so attractive to me. I know, it sounds so bad to say that. But who the hell doesn’t want someone to love them so much they’d sell their soul or let the world just burn for them? I am waving my hand here. Not gonna lie, I think I want that. (also, don’t always believe what you think) My Dudes, I know how unhealthy that is – yet man, that is a lot of love. And what’s it feel like to love someone that fucking much? To be that close to my siblings, my friends, there is something compelling about it. I love words so much yet I cannot describe it. Those unhealthy relationship dynamics actually gave me an idea of what I had kind of been looking for in my marriage experiments. Intimacy, not sexytime intimacy y’all – that smutty stuff is fun (real fun) but that These relationships don’t have it is a big deal to me. So yeah, that closeness, that emotional intimacy is so attractive and what I wanted, have wanted, do want in my relationships. It’s really hard though when chick flick moments make me sooooooo uncomfortable. Another thing Dean and I have in common. Jesus don’t make me talk about how I really feel. Ick. ESPECIALLY IN PERSON. But ok, that vulnerability…I don’t even know. Oh shit, and the whole Dean and Bobby dynamic…aaaahhhh LOVE IT. I mean, daddy issues and then this gruff guy, and he loves them ugh. My stupid heart. Oh shit, digression. (it is unavoidable)

ANYWAY

I wish I could brag about all the charitable donations I’ve made or volunteer hours I’ve logged or inspirational tweets/memes/art projects/phone calls executed in the name of Supernatural. Not to say that those haven’t happened as a direct result of Supernatural. Being a part of the #SPNFamily (do I qualify for that?) did spur me to take actions in all those regards. Just not at brag worthy levels. But it is one more thing to go “see? see what SPN has done in my life? see what it made me do?” It made me more aware of things, and encouraged action. Made me act like a better person.

The emotions that Supernatural characters and the real life people behind them elicit in me have, quite frankly, stunned me. I was ill prepared for the reaction I had to the whole SPN Phenomenon. Look, I’ve had my fair share of crushes, fave shows, famous loves etc throughout my life. There have been pleeeeeenty daydreams, the inspired choices, angsty fist-clenched tears, all the wishes and unrealized desires, all somehow connected to fiction (I have a lifelong love of reading fiction). I’ve had pleeeeeeeeenty of all that in relation to my very own real life as well. Yet, was still, am still, surprised at the depth of my emotional response to this show, the characters and people in and around this show, the fandom and for all things Supernatural. I have been totally and completely shocked, embarrassed, humbled, scared, amused and plenty of other things.

(a digression has been removed)

Man, what else has affected me and how I live me as much as that? Only one thing. It’s a deeply meaningful personal experience in my life. On the 17th of January (2019) I’ll celebrate 17 years of sobriety. Recovery saved the messy and sad life I had and gave me this awesomely regular one. And that I can pull correlations between getting my life truly in order and Supernatural is something, isn’t it? But there you have it.

So at the end of this composition I am still just a regular person that’s longing for a connection to something and to people that appear greater than myself. I am just another fan secretly (sometimes not so secretly) yet quite desperately hoping and wishing for some reciprocity between myself and you (you being the actors, also other fans I see online). You’re real people with a super kick ass job and you effect change and affect hearts in deep and meaningful ways. I am just one more person that wants a bit of that glanced my way. It would be like being sprinkled with (good) fairy dust – all happily magical and shit.

I don’t have the resources (by resources I mean time and money – man, I have a life that needs my attention so choices must be made. ) I don’t have time to be on Twitter enough or make it to enough conventions (words have been removed) or whatever it takes to catch your attention. (Plus, a lot of that is stalkery and creepy and I’m just not into that and makes me uncomfortable) Part of me feels like I’m too old for all this, and besides (sticking with a theme here) I’d like an interaction more meaningful than a black and white headshot pic hastily signed on your lunch break as you ride to the airport to fly somewhere else. I mean, I want to be seen, if that even makes any sense at all. Which it may only to me. It’s like a validation thing. You know, being noticed and liked by the coolest kids in class when you’re that back row weirdo kid. (hello from the back row) But I know that I would be sorry if I didn’t at least send it out there, stick my hand out and introduce myself, so to speak. If I want a connection I need to at least try, yeah? Yeah. Sooooo…..And the weird thing is I want to be noticed by Dean, Sam and Cas as much as Jensen, Jared and Misha, which is something else that worries me (delusional at all?) And then I’m all “but they have so much expected of them” and I feel guilty for wanting that.

OMFG ANYWAY

So, guys, there you have it. A wordy and probably poorly written something or other put out there on the world wide web for any yahoo to read. So now I am embarrassed. And I think I am just fine that my readership is very small. And I still haven’t decided if I want to participate in the project or not. But ah, thanks? Thank you? Thank you. How’s one to eloquently close something like this? One cannot.

laters

Unggh, or Life as I know it has changed. Again.

I am at work. Blerg. I have not updated this bad boy in a long time and I have one or two drafts hanging out waiting for me to get back to them and finish. But I have been busy! 2018 is The Year of Doing Stuff!!! I have been doing things! I have traveled! Gished! Made new friends! Traveled and then traveled some more and made more new friends! Fun times aren’t over but I fear they are going to be greatly reduced for the foreseeable future. I should use the time to get that mammogram I keep putting off.

But I have stories to tell! Pictures to post! I have shit to say!!! Here is a brief synopsis of all the fun I have had thus far.

So, travelling. I did some and this time it wasn’t a miserable time. The last few times I went anywhere it was to Oregon and I did NOT have a good time. There were dead people, weird memorial services (I think that one is maybe covered in a previous post), crazy family and active alcoholism. Plus, shitty beach weather. I need non-shitty beach weather and a good warm beach for a while. But that will have to wait.

Trip #1 – Seattle

So my gal Lisa got married to Dom and I performed the ceremony. I got one of those minister certificates just for that. So, now I am qualified to take care of all your christening and marrying needs. Whoop! That was such a great trip and it really started out as a HUGE cluster fuck. A winter storm across the mid-west delayed and cancelled flights for soooo many people and I was a casualty. I had plans to stop in Portland and spend the night with my brother in Salem then take the train from Salem to Seattle the next day, but that was nixed – I didn’t get into Portland till after midnight. I tried really really hard to make it happen and so did the lady on the phone for SW but nope. Had to change my train and plane reservations. I left the day I intended, only a few hours later. Flew to Denver, changed planes, flew to Houston, sat on the tarmac FOREVER, flew to Las Vegas, changed planes, flew to Portland. Got an Uber to the least sketchy hotel by the train station I could find and think maybe I should have looked a little harder. I was convinced that the front desk guy was a psychotic killer so I moved the table with the microwave on it in front of the door and slept with my sewing scissors. The next day was a crash course in the light rail public transportation of Portland, Oregon. I FIGURED IT OUT. But had to cart my luggage all over and barely made it to the train station on time. THE TRAIN RIDE WAS AWESOME. But motion sickness was a real thing. Mind you, at this point I am operating on about 2.5 hours of sleep and only two apples and some peanut butter. Miracle here is I was not cranky and did not cry. I was pretty good till about three that afternoon (after making it to Seattle and then following Dom around the city while he navigated the light rail system there for me) I about passed out in a bookstore. He parked me in a nice little coffee shop with some nice strong coffee and came back for me later. THEN I RODE A FERRY. I had never ridden a train or ferry and I did both in one day!! I was vibrating I was so tired and caffeinated though. (Let’s make this story shorter, shall we?) So, the Airbnb was so super fab. I was SO SUPER FAB. I’ll put some pics of the view after this. We had a nice few days, some shopping, some dicking around Seattle and Vashon Island (where we were staying). We got the cute couple wed, ate great food and saw beautiful things. I was so fine despite all the people, noise and stuff and usually too much of that stresses me the fuck out. I finally had a mini breakdown in a Starbucks somewhere in Seattle on the way to the airport the day I left. I can’t live in Seattle. But here are some pics:

Oh wait, ha ha, I lied. I don’t have the Seattle trip pics where I can get to them here. I’ll do a pic post later.

Trip #2 – New Mexico

So I love NM. It was where Ric and I got married and I have a lot of good and bad memories there but I just love that state so bad. I could probably live there. We stayed in Taos in this great Airbnb that comfortably slept all eight of us. EIGHT WOMEN. IN ONE HOUSE. NO ONE CRIED. There were a couple tense moments but nothing ever exploded into Lady Madness. It was so beautiful everywhere. Nothing really crazy stood out though, we were all pretty chill. Four of us went on an epic hike though and I damn near peed my pants it was so fun. We got sunburned, dehydrated and slightly lost but it was worth it. Trip pics below:

Gish

That was a whirlwind and it was awesome. I laughed so hard with my new friends and can’t wait for next year. Well, maybe I can because it’s hard. But still, I am looking forward to it. This year was different from last year. There is an app now and everyone on the team was from here. Had about the same number of people participate though. I think that it’s just a Gish thing that people will ghost your team unless you’re like a fucking pro team or something. ALSO, we had challenges up to the actual hunt and that was fun fun fun!!! Here are some pics with my new GFF’s:

Trip #3 – SPNDEN

Oh holy fucking Christ almighty on a mother fucking cracker with cheese. That was one hell of an experience and I am still riding that one. Good god. Ok, so it was fun, scary, overwhelming, weird, exhausting and mind blowing. I met the cast of Supernatural. I cried in front of Rachel Minor. No, I cried AT her. And she was so nice!!!! KIM RHODES HUGGED ME. JENSEN ACKLES SMELLED SO GOOD. HE HUGGED ME TOO. AND HELD MY HAND. TOLD ME HE LIKED MY HAIR. LAUGHED AT ME IN THE PHOTO OP. JARED PADALECKI HUGGED ME AND SQUEEZED MY ARM. BRIANA BUCKMASTER ALSO SAID SHE LIKED MY HAIR. MISHA COLLINS MADE A POOP JOKE AT MY EXPENSE. Turns out I really am quite good at embarrassing myself in front of famous people. That’s pretty much what I did all weekend. I FINGER GUNNED MISHA COLLINS FOR FUCKS SAKE. #ilikeraisins So the pics for that will have to be posted in another entry since they, like the Seattle pics, are not where I can get to them right now. So, with old friends, old/new friends and new friends I will be going to NashCon in March. So I can make another fool of myself. There are so many things to tell. I may share some in the picture post I make later. Jesus fucking Christ I’ve never had a time like that in my life.

So, ending this scintillating blog adventure here. I shall return sooner than last time and with more pictures and maybe a good story about my awkward ass.

laters!

Avoidance: The Name of My Game

Argh. So many things….I’ve been wanting to update here for a while, tell a couple of things or stories or something but…..I have not. I am adept at not doing a lot of things I want, need or should do and I can rationalize and justify why with the best of them. Also pretty good at just not doing and not excusing or explaining why. My mom always said no one could make me do anything I didn’t (or did, it turns out) want to do. Pretty sure this has been a trait of mine for most of my life. As an infant, apparently if I didn’t like what Mom was feeding me I’d refused to swallow it, no matter how bad it tasted. She thought it was frustrating and kind of stupid. I can’t argue with her on that. Who the hell really wants to sit with nasty tasting food in their mouth for any amount of time? Why the hell would someone do that? But, I guess the thought of swallowing that nastiness seemed worse and spitting it out wouldn’t do any good either; the grossness would just be put right back. So I can see how, if in the helplessness of a baby, there might be some amount of control by doing neither of what was wanted. Does that even make sense? Hell yeah it does! To me!

So I’m avoiding….. I go this new phone. I switched from iPhone to Android not too long ago and the started phone I got was just a cheapie. I didn’t want to get a nice expensive phone just to get a month in a wail about the huge mistake I made then not be able to go back to iPhone because of poor choices. So I did alright with that new Android. Liked a lot of things about it actually but it was cheap so….. Yesterday I bit the bullet and used the money I got from selling the old iPhone and upgraded to a better phone. Cool thing about droids is you can still get a pretty cool phone that works well without paying a shit ton of money. So this new phone has that whole ‘Ok Google’ thing on it and I was trying it out and stuff and tested the play music thing and it did which is cool but what’s even cooler than that is the song it played. Highway to Hell by ACDC. Hahahahahah!!! Yeah yeah, you might not think it’s funny but if you knew me better you would. *sigh* So if I wrote here enough maybe you would know me better and understand why that’s so funny to me. See? My proclivity to procrastinate not only hurts me, but it hurts you too. And for that I am sorry.

(the line breaks indicate time breaks that are longer than a month)

So it seems that I can only get one paragraph done at a time. That is really really poor output. Considering how wordy I can be how much my brain thiiiiiinks all the damn time you’d think I’d be able to crank out more than one measly paragraph at once and maybe more frequently than on a quarterly basis. Why don’t we look at it from a different perspective? My procrastination skills and avoidance behaviors are on point. And man, blogging takes time people, lots of time. And good blogging takes even more time. And it’s not like I got a lot of that hanging around just waiting to get used up. Kind of like my money situation. Blogging may not take much of my money but it takes my time and living takes a lot of money, and I guess I’m living a lot because I’m low on time and dollars. Also, I do not excel in time management. So perhaps this low rate of output is more multifaceted that I originally thought.

Also I feel like maybe I should post more than just one paragraph. I know that people are just sitting around waiting to read this shit going ‘just post something lady, COME ON’ and then when I do they aren’t thinking ‘gyp!!! We waited for how long? For one lousy paragraph?!?!’. Nah man, I know what’s on the other side of this blog and I’m totally ok with that. I still feel like if I’m going get on here and tippity tap this ole keyboard I should at least make the post more substantial than a granola bar. Now don’t get me wrong. I love a good granola bar and there are times they can really hit the spot, but I wouldn’t class them up there with a big ole bowl of macaroni and cheese and that’s what I’d really like to provide any readership that may somehow come across this little bloggo. Just a nice filling bowl of macaroni and cheese. Warm, satisfying, enjoyable, and a nice mix of too many carbs and some protein. So………yeah, I got nuthin’ today that compares to macaroni and cheese. Not even the kind with the powdered cheese. Which sometimes, like a granola bar, can hit the spot. But it’s not like a giant serving of mashed potatoes. God I love mashed potatoes.

Also, sometimes I seriously question my original urge to start this blog. I wonder what the real motivation was. What do I really want from doing this? What’s the real goal here? Write thought provoking yet humorous posts about my only slightly interesting life? Is this a platform to pontificate on the issues of the day, whatever that may be? I know in my very first post I listed a few things I wanted to do with this and I think that yeah, I wanted to pontificate some (who doesn’t? even in private) in a thought provoking and humorous way about issues and my life and what I thought was interesting. I also wanted to talk about the boys in the office and all the awesome conversations they have. There is a running joke now about it….I made a comment once that I was going to chronicle their discussions of various snack foods; socks; when to shower (am or pm); how to dry hair; shoes, sports; dinner; trucks; golf; golf shirts; how fast one can eat four big mac’s, 12 oreos, 12 tacos and many many other foods; candy; chips (what exactly makes a chip a chip); soda; dogs; guns; more food…..food discussions are the most frequent. And fucking hilarious.

There was gishwhes too. I wanted to really go on and on and on about gishwhes. I did a little. I also bemoaned some drama and some shit. But I am pretty sure that somewhere I did say that this endeavor could end up just a lot of nothing. And lo! It’s a lot of nothing!! Which isn’t a bad thing. I’m entertained. While it would be really fucking awesome to be like that Jillee* person and have a semi famous blog and maybe earn some cash and have a lot of people think I’m really cool I’d have to ……. be different. I mean I am pretty cool and I make cool shit. I am a pretty good cook. I have a whole SHIT TON of photography to share; earrings to sell; doodads to look at; knits and crochets to wear; dogs to love on; cats to make fun of; really fun friends to talk about; a tv show to fangirl about; music to muse about (heh – alliteration is fun) (jesus I know that was weak alliteration and I can do better) ; issues to pontificate; funny things say……but man, the time. The organizational skills I’d need. I’m so busy doing all those other things actually getting them into a blog to make me super cool, famous and rich is not usually a top priority. Besides, I can’t stay up all goddamned night anymore. Christ, I do that once and I’m toast at work for the next couple of days. So where do I go from here? Hm.

Jesus, and I just lost my train of thought. See? That’s another thing. Train of thought. I go an misplace it all the fucking time. Thus the name of the blog…..concentration lost….heh, it all makes sense now doesn’t it? Yep. Well maybe not much but some things have been explained. Maybe. Ugh.

ANYWAY, maybe I’ll close this post with some random pictures I’ve taken.

^ Taken from the plane flying into Portland

^ A set up of paper beads about to become earrings

^ A dill plant flowered out taken at night, upside down with the flash on

^ The little house thing in my back yard last summer

^ My art table with some of my jewelry making shit out.

^ My sweet Poopsie playing in the hose

^ Some shrooms that were growing in a crook of my pecan tree

^ Lulubelle enjoying the space heater

^ One of the thousands of pictures of the zinnias in my back yard – looooove zinnias

^ Paco – he’s a little disgruntled about the photo op and lack of snack

^ Paco on guard while Poopsie loves on Little Momma

^ Oscar wearing crocheted doughnuts

^ A morning sky from my office window

^ Poopsie putting her rear in the sprinkler

^ Some long ago snow in my backyard at night

^ Christmas lights somewhere in Tulsa

^ Sky, clouds and a rainbow from my back yard

^ Paco chillin’ in the backyard

^ Me and my pal Al on our first ever #SPNFGF (Supernatural Fangirl Friday)

^ An Oregon road

^ Ice Cream the cat and Creepy Baby the doll

^ The Chinese Pastiche that’s famous in my neighborhood in the falltime

^ Some beautiful place in rural Oklahoma – went on a tiny vacation there with a friend

^ An abandoned house I saw going out to the Great Salt Plains one summer

^ Neskowin beach

^ Lulubelle waiting for me to put the phone down

Ok so I took all those pictures myself and if you like them yay and if you don’t oh well and if you think about using them please don’t but tell me you want to and maybe we can work something out but most of all don’t be a dick and say you took those pics or anything and if you don’t like ’em keep that opinion to your self. I’m not egotistical enough to think that these are like the Best Fucking Pictures of Ever and I know they aren’t Magazine Quality or have that Pro Status or whatever, but I took them, I like them, I own them and they tell bits about me, so there. Most important, just don’t be a dick, please, that shit ain’t cool.

*Jillee has that blog/website One Good Thing….. I hope it’s ok to put a link to her here….. cause here it is…. https://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/

I had one job…..

Welp, I’ve been needing to write about this and dutifully avoiding it. I feel guilty and shitty. And I’m very very good at denial. I want to talk about my sister and her memorial service and some other things Kaity related, but…..

So I’ll start small.

My little sister was a quiet force of energy. She never made much noise, even when she was very young and talkative. But she was always……I don’t even know what word to use. There are a few that would work but don’t quite cover it. Strong. Stubborn. She didn’t take up much space really but seemed to have a large presence, maybe especially since she always seemed so quiet to me.

When she was little she was so ungraceful. Tripped over her own feet all the time. And she wanted to be a ballerina-mermaid-princess. I was kind of the same way, clumsy and hopeful with my imagination.

Once, she was bored and maybe peeved about being bored and that the neighbors weren’t home to play, so she jammed a bunch of twigs in the locks on their door and Mrs. Neighbor couldn’t get in the house. Man that lady was pissed. Her ice cream was melting. I remember getting home from the beach after spending the whole day there and sand falling out of her butt crack as she ran naked through the house. When she was really small, about three, she was sitting on the couch in front of the turned off tv, sucking her finger and twisting her blanket when my step-mom came in and asked what she was doing and Kaity said “watching tv” like “duh mom, can’t you see?”

Kaity was a funny and sweet and affectionate little girl. She could also be one hell of a pissed off cat too, when provoked, actually hissing like a cat when mad. She sucked her finger, had a blankie and could make friends with any fucking animal anywhere. She was brave and smart. She had more compassion than most people I know. Many of these qualities remained as she grew up and she got some new ones, darker ones too. She became angry. Like me. Depressed, like I was (and still can be). Self destructive… But she was always funny and smart, compassionate, clumsy and imaginative, creative. I hope I am those things too. On good days I am.

I wasn’t able to always be there as her big sister. Not only over a thousand miles separated us but the aforementioned depression, anger and self destructiveness. Being quite a bit older I entered into that earlier than she did and was still there when she started that phase of life. I finally was able to ‘get better’ but by then all that shit had stacked up between us and made the kind of sisterly closeness I had always wanted with her difficult, and ultimately impossible.

The last time I saw her she was in jail. I was in Oregon for my annual trip there and made the appointment to visit her. We only got a half an hour with a thick bulletproof window between us and a gross, shitty phone to talk on. There wasn’t even seating; standing room only, heh. When she came into that little visiting plexiglas cubicle we both cried, couldn’t help it. I wasn’t mad at her or even disappointed, just sad that’s where she was. She said that she hadn’t even cried about any of it; not till she saw me. And she had plenty to cry about. But, also, like me, she’d bellyache about all the things that weren’t really worth bellyaching over and just stuff and deny the big shit, that shit that really hurts us.

We were estranged when she died I guess. I didn’t know it till too late though. She’d been slowly and quietly cutting me out. She was angry at me. I think I know why and what was under it too, but knowing that doesn’t offer solace of any kind. I had been expecting the call about her death for a while too, but that didn’t make it any less shocking, painful or acceptable. “At least she’s at peace now’ asas ma people told me. “She isn’t suffering any more.” I even told myself this trite shit. It didn’t make any of it more palatable. Nothing about that was ok. It was what it was though, unchangeable, unfixable. And the only thing I could really do was accept it. I mean, what the hell else could I do? I had years of guilt and regret, my own feelings of hurt and resentment, causing hurt and resentment, feeling like a failure, a horrible big sister…the list could go on. And you know, all that shit just makes grief that much harder to bear. Ugh, it makes it so heavy, so easy to despair. Her dying changed me. All those things and feelings and reasons and bullshit really changed me.

God, is there a point to all this painful rambling? Eh, it’s cathartic for one. Two I’m able to tell some things I’ve yet been able to tell. I get to tell you about her, what she was like, some of the good of her. It’s easy to think about that bad shit. The scary, hurtful and horrible shit.

So the good stuff….there is a lot but I keep it kind of secret for some reason. So all y’all should know that it wasn’t all bad and horrible. A lot of it was. Most of it in fact, and how she died, that she died, on top of all that just makes everything so much worse. But jesus guys, she wanted to be a fucking ballerina-mermaid-princess! She had a beautiful singing voice. She was magic when it came to animals. She was creative and had a wild imagination. She loved to read and was so fucking smart. And funny. She liked fairies and dragons, and science fiction. She was tough and strong and brave. She loved music and turned me onto some pretty good shit. She was so caring and wanted to help people. And I miss her and wish I could have another chance to be her big sister.

I hope I haven’t made this too dreary and long. I wanted to also talk about some funny shit. Like her memorial service. Jesus fucking Christ that was something to behold. Some of her friends planned it. Plane tickets for my summer trip out there had already been purchased when she died so they all so very kindly waited to hold the service till I got out there. They took care of all those details like where, who knows, who is bringing what food, eulogies etc. And they were mostly all junkies or had some other kinds of really weird shit going on. So just imagine, if you can, a memorial service for a weirdo junkie planned by junkies and weirdos. And before you get uptight about junkies and weirdos you have to know that I was a junkie and still am a weirdo so chill the fuck out if you’re upset at my description. It was funny.

Well, my part was to bring her ashes. I had already picked them up the day after I got in. (The trip there was a fucking nightmare…I ended up sitting in the Portland airport on my luggage crying and eating day old donuts in front of the Enterprise car rental desk, stranded for about four hours till someone could come pick me up.) My friend Lisa drove down from Washington to be with me that day and spend some time with me. Good thing too, I needed the sane support and a witness to the shenanigans.

So the memorial was held in a really nice park in Salem, by the riverfront. It was summer so it was nice and bright but there was a high breeze that day; I had my shades on and a sweater just in case the air got cooler. They picked a nice spot, it was a small amphitheater type place, with plenty of room. We walked up with my brother, sister-in-law and the kids and it looked like we were going to a birthday party. There was a nice big table with a decent spread of snack food, small sandwiches and a store bought cake; balloons tied to the railing looking out over the river and a lot of people milling around. There were also some people near the railing holding balloons they had written on. When we were close enough to see and hear what was going on was when the strange really started. Those holding the balloons had written messages to or about Kaity on them and then released them to the sky, exclaiming “there she goes!” and “Bye Kaity! We love you!” One got caught in a tree and someone said “oh no, she’s stuck in the tree”.

I didn’t really know most of the people there so I was just checking it out and looking for the ones I did know when one gal comes up to me. Turns out it was one of the women that ‘found’ her (found is questionable because some of us think she already knew she was there and dead and just came back later to ‘find’ her). We talked briefly, I can’t even remember what we said to be honest. Then she looks at me very seriously and says “CAN I SEE YOUR EYES?” So I lift my shades and let her see and she was visibly disappointed. I felt so weird and confused about it and she just mumbled something about me maybe having Kaity’s eyes. (Kaity had big dark brown eyes and mine are blue.) And then she awkwardly asks “is it really ok to have some of her ashes?” Whooops.

I HAD ONE JOB

Welp, I said “Oh shit! I left her at the hotel!” and then started laughing. She looked disgusted this time instead of disappointed. She was pretty upset about that. I thought it was funny. I had one job….bring the star of the show to party, and I left her in my room. So Lisa and I went back to the hotel, got her ashes and brought her back for distribution. Several people were hoping to leave that afternoon with a bit of Kaity with them. I think that right there is the high point of the whole entire experience.

Prior to even getting out there I had already made some irreverent jokes about how to display her ashes for sharing, knowing I wasn’t going to do more than open the bag for them. Like, she was a fucking party favor or something. “Don’t forget your Kaity when you leave!” It was pretty windy that day so I opened the box and bag she was in under a table. People had to get under the table so they could scoop her out without the wind blowing my sisters corpse dust all over the snacks and off into the sky. With the balloons. Some people used a plastic cup. Someone else broke out a green baby spoon for scooping and it was left in there when everyone got what they wanted. My brother was grossed out and thought it was creepy that people wanted her ashes. Yeah, it kind of is, but I also kind of got it; it’s an actual piece of Kaity, maybe something more than her body is there or maybe there is some connection between her soul and the ashes; something tangible now that she’s all the way gone. I myself kept a small cup. I have a small amount of Dad’s ashes too. It’s fucking weird but also creepily comforting.

And that was it. That was the service. Some more small talk happened, I awkwardly stood around and then looked through some pictures. A couple of really nice people that weren’t junkies came up to me and talked with me some. I got a nice card and was able to meet a gal in person I had gotten to know on facebook over the past few years. She and Kaity had a good friendship, were really pretty tight for a while and when she was in trouble Krystle would let me know. But man, I had to get out of there. I made sure everyone got all the Kaity they wanted before leaving and Lisa and I took off. Nick etal were already gone, ducking out earlier because it was just too fucking weird and uncomfortable.

The next day Lisa and I went to the coast and I threw her in the ocean. She flew in the wind and the water soaked her up. I don’t know for sure that was what she wanted with what was left of her but that’s what we did with dad, at the same beach too. I figured that she’d be ok with that. I do know that she would have liked to have been mixed up with her husbands ashes but I didn’t really know where they were and thought I’d just….not look for him.

So there you have it. I wrote some about my sister. I do feel better, like I poured off the top of a drink that was overflowing the glass some. It’s not as well written as I’d like but this was a little more about getting it out than entertainment. To be fully entertained this is more a story to tell than read. But maybe someday when I’m a rich bitch and writing my memoirs I’ll have become a better writer and can make it flow better. Also I’ll have more time for editing and re-reading and editing and re-reading and some shit.

Thanks for reading. And if no one read it, well, then….poop on you. It was funny, so there.

What have I done

So gishwhes….good Lord. I knew I signed up for insanity. I think that was one of the main draws to be honest. I wanted that Gishwhes Experience. Well I don’t know if it’s The Gishwhes Experience but it’s def A Gishwhes Experience. It’s been every single one of the feelings, I think. At least once.

I was supposed to be doing all these really great posts about all the shit we’re doing and how it’s going with teasers about pics to post when all is said and done but guys, well, I didn’t do that. Getting close to the end here and honestly I’m not sure what’s going on.

:fast forward a few days:

Man. It’s Monday now and I think I could still sleep a week. What a ride that shit was. I waited far too long to do this. I should have done Gishwhes ages ago.

So, I’ve been thinking pretty hard about what I want to write about, or how I want to describe what happened but I’m still kind of processing maybe? Yesterday I was so fucking tired all I wanted to do was sleep. Not as tired this morning but I could have slept a few more hours. But it’s back to regular life today. In a way I’m pretty happy about that but also I feel like I need a vacation. Also, hormones and Ice Cream the Cat are driving me nuts this morning. Jesus if it’s not one thing, it’s always several other things.

So we all know that our team had a pretty rough start. What with it all being our first time ever to do this then those first team members we got, I’m pretty sure none of us were prepared for the actual week of the hunt. But then, what light was granted us! What a miracle was sent to us! What goodness they gave us!!! The icky people were gone and the new team members saved the day! I was seriously considering just saying fuck it all and not doing it. I so close to just giving up. Sometimes I can be overtaken by despondency and man was I taken over. Thank all that’s good and holy that Team FrumpBusters was saved. And right before the hunt started too. Like, Friday. The day before the hunt. And BAMMO I was thrust into high-speed chaos for the next week.

I’ve worked on teams before. Been on conference committees. Once I even chaired a conference. But I think I was woefully unqualified to head up a Gishwhes team. Thankfully the team I had was a motherfukcing kick ass group of people.

So maybe what I should say about the whole thing is how it was amazing. How it pushed me to keep trying even though I wanted to hit the fuck it button. I was made to get out of my comfort zone. I was made to go against my introvert nature and talk to people, trust people. Let results be what they may. And those are all reasons I decided to do Gishwhes. I’ve known about it a few years now but have been scared of trying it. I was sure that I couldn’t do it. But this past year hasn’t been the hardest year I’ve had by far, but it’s been….ugh, I don’t know. Hard but not, sad but not, depressed but not, lonely but not. All totally contradictory. And all very accurate. And I needed something to force me out of it.

In the past when I needed a Jumpstart like this I have been known to go to unhealthy measures to get that relief. In the past decade and a halfish though, I’ve learned better ways to cope with a pretty heavy case of The Blahs. Or downright fucked up times too. (all that is for another blog post). That being said, this year, while not bad has certainly tested me. Last summer my sister died. Right at the end of June. Today is her birthday too (another blog post may be coming). I had been expecting it to be honest, but that doesn’t prepare you for the call. It wasn’t pretty. Actually it was tragic. And it threw me for a pretty big loop. All these feeeeeeeelings and more feeeeeelings and then family and feelings and travelling and feelings and more feelings that I, successfully or not, crammed pretty far inside. Jesus who wants to feel all that and sort it out? There were circumstances that made it more complicated. We were estranged and goddamn but that made even more icky feelings. So I really pulled in on myself and isolated. I dropped a lot of commitments. Didn’t even really want to work in the yard, and that’s my jam y’all. Well, one of my jams. So yeah, I guess I was a little depressed, numbed out, kinda separate from people and things I loved.

I cannot live to good purpose that way. I cannot sustain that kind of ‘offness’ for long without repercussions. I shared a little with a couple of people about it but it was such a tangled mess inside and feeeeeeelings. Plus I didn’t want to be a whiny baby (I know I know don’t talk like that but it’s a thing I do sometimes). And then GISHWHES!!!!!

I decided it’s fucking time to get my big girl panties back out and do something. Nothing changes if nothing changes, yeah? And sometimes I do the whole ‘go big or go home’ routine to varying degrees success. I think this time it went well.

So I signed up to feel all the stuff that people have written about in blogs and blurbs and articles and chat rooms. I did it to make some new connections and refresh some old ones. I did it to fucking feeeeeeeeeeeel shit. And goddamn did I ever feel. Holy shit balls.

If you’ve read the previous posts you may have seen the one about the first set of new team members we got. Jesus Fucking Christ Almighty that was a fucking nightmare mess. And I felt. Then we got the new new team members and they were a dream come true and FrumpBusters was saved. Because I was this . close to quitting. Omg and Slack. Who knew?!?! I know it was crazy for some people and moved so fast with so much stuff but looooooved it. I loved the fucking weird random conversations. I loved how we came together when the Mean Man was Being Mean. I fucking loved how excited people got when we met the new ladies. I loved learning about Trello, and new music, and different ideas and just all that shit that we blabbered and shared about. I loved how I got to spend time with an old friend that lives states away and make new ones and get closer to the ones here.

And then the challenges. Dear God. I fucking peed my pants kids. Laughed so hard I peed my pants and I am not sorry. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

So, Team FrumpBusters, you helped me out of a funk, back into some creativity and positive actions. You gave me so much joy (eeech, corny I know, it’s fucking disgusting but true) and something exciting to look forward to in a way I haven’t in what feels like a very long time. Thank you for doing it with me even though all y’all had a lot of shit going on in your worlds. It means more than I can articulate. And I just don’t think I have adequately described the fucking awesome gift this was for me. I needed gishwhes. I neeeeeeded it. So here’s some squishy hearty gross squishy feelings of goodness and gratitude.

And some pictures.

The Hunt

Holy hell it’s only day two of this thing and we’ve been a frenzy of typing and organizing and conferring and emailing and collecting and maybe some freaking out. What a ride so far.

Ok so last night I did the very first of the whole ‘getting out of your comfort zone’ part of this deal. One of the challenges that I took on was to get a picture of a caveman demonstrating glassblowing. Well, I thought, that can’t be too hard. I know of a glass blower right here in OKC. I’ve bought several of his smaller pieces and he’s a fave booth of mine at the Paseo Arts Festival. And one year a pal and I went to a Christmas thing his studio had and it was fun. So yeah, I’ll just send him a little email, tell him what I’m doing and ask if he’d help us out. Hahahahahah!! :sigh: Oh how little did I realize…. It hit me when I got to that part of the email.

How exactly do you ask that? “You don’t really know me although we’ve met a few times, and by the way, I’ve purchased some of you glass balls before, they are hanging in my kitchen. Anyway, would you please dress up as a caveman and then play with molten glass?” Hopefully I was a little more smooth than that. I think it took me almost an hour to draft that email. I reread it a dozen times, editing it like crazy. Finally there just wasn’t anything left to do with it but squinch my eyes, cross my fingers and hit send. I think I laughed for a good solid ten minutes. A nice loud, hysterical laugh. It felt really good to be honest but the dogs were concerned.

And guess what? He emailed back and didn’t call me a wack job. He said yes!! So I’ve collected things to make the costume, we’ve found a couple of times that will work and then I’ll go dress him up, let him play with lava and I’ll take some nice pictures. It’s gonna be so great.

And then another pretty awesome thing happened today. I got the awesomest prize ever for no good reason at all. I was so devestaed just a few days ago and now today I’m practically giddy. Things really did work out ok. Nay, they worked out fanfuckingtastically. And I got a prize. Coolest prize ever. Thank you KJKM, you know who you are. Fucking earned yourself points with some spiritual beings floating around somewhere.

Good Vibes, in and out

Good lord guys, I thought that we were done for, Even though I was trying to get my head back into the Gishwhes game after the addition of the four new members but man, I was struggling. I had a pretty serious emotional hangover Friday most of the day. Writing the post yesterday helped A LOT but I was still carrying around this stuff in my chest and gut that I couldn’t get out. It wanted to escape via tears but I was at work and I really dislike that mode of emotional transportation. So I kept trying to suck it up and keep it in and we all know that just prolongs our misery. So it was workin’ out real well.

THEN…

THE MIRACULOUS OCCURED

WE WERE SENT A BLESSING

WE WERE SENT TWO BLESSINGS

God bless that baby Jesus or Buddha or King Kong or Ganesha and Friends or whatever the fuck you feel is heading the Spiritual Train ’cause it/he/she/they sent us two new team members and they are fucking amazing. The tears were trying even harder to get out and when I left the office a lot did. But they were like the happiest and most relieved tears ever. Gishwhes was saved. Man, thinking about it now…here they fucking come again. But Gishwhes is saved. These two ladies, man, getting them on our team has done something for me that a horribly delicious meal and slugging on the couch or gardening till my arms fell off couldn’t do.

oh man

via Daily Prompt: Partner

Well I am trying something new. Not only am I new to this whole blog thing but the Daily Prompt is like less than a minute old in my life. Saw the prompt and went ‘hmmmmmmmm’ the clicked and here we are!

So the Partner prompt didn’t make me immediately think about a spouse or significant other. I don’t have either. Don’t have a business partner. Nor a partner in crime. Weellllll, actually……. I have several partners in crime and it feels good. They are my teammates on our Gishwhes team. They are my friends and my friends friends. And we just had a fucking Gish experience together before the hunt has even started. There’s so much and I’m still trying to find my footing again. I got pretty stirred around inside and I don’t think I’m good with a lot of internal emotional stirring. What I want to do is have my cry fest by myself, eat a fucking cheeseburger and then either zone out in front of a tv show, do some balls to the wall gardening or just read. Escape. I want to escape. I don’t want to feel this but alas, I am.

What happened may not seem like that big a deal to some people. My weirdness may not make sense but tough tits about that, can’t change any of it now. So I started a Gishwhes team and some friends joined me, and they had a friend or two join. Some of us know each other pretty well, others not well or at all and some of us know none of us. But we all joined up because someone we love is doing it, it’s for a good cause and going to be a veritable shit ton of fun. And the prize pretty kick-ass. So, we had four slots left to fill by the time registration closed and as the guidelines state, we were paired with other people. I was nervous and excited to meet them. I couldn’t not wonder about where they would be, what they would be like and I have to be honest, I day-dreamed some about this being such a damn fine experience that we all became such wonderful friends the friendship continued long after the hunt was over. Yeah yeah, silly and optimistic and incredibly unrealistic. And so far from what really happened. And this is where that whole prompt thing comes in. Goddamn I still want to cry even as I sit here and type it. WTF. Not normal for me guys, to be this……whatever this is.

Ok, trying to keep this from being a rambling nonsense post that’s terrible. Here is a little more about The Happening. So, new people are here. As soon as I have the email addresses I send an irritatingly happy email to the entire crew so everyone has everyone’s info. They were sent invites to the chat platform we chose to use instead of FB or texting. The very first response we get is negative, insulting and dismissive. I hoped it was an anomaly but it was foreshadowing. Because after that the communication just went to shit. They were not happy. They did not read the guidelines well and were not expecting to have happen what really happened and it was crystal clear from the conversations with their (appointed or not, I don’t know if they wanted him to be or he took it upon himself) spokesperson. The negative and condescending tone continued in the group chat feed and into direct message conversations with individuals. It was nuts. We all tried very hard to be welcoming, find out what they were unhappy about and what it was we could do to help make this easier for them. Radio silence from three of them, infuriating arguing and frankly, what felt like gas-lighting, from the spokesperson. Jesus H. Christ. So we set some boundaries. It was pretty much a ‘hey we get it and we are sorry but stop with the attitude dude’ but said a lot better than that. We used more words and professional and adult language. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. Maybe I should have just said that and worked on moving forward. I was having trouble not taking things personally and didn’t like how he was treating my teammates and friends. And then he replied. Oh holy fucking hell. And as we are trying to put a shut-down on that shit, talking with another of their team members seemed to net positive results. Till he threatened legal action against unsubstantiated cyber bullying claims. Weeeelllll I fucking lost it. Lost my shit. Not at him thank god, just more of generalized ‘holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit’ kind of thing. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. And frightened. Terrified. I know we did nothing wrong but that’s not stopped other people from ruining someones life, has it? It happens all the time. And despite knowing that he just has no legitimate claim to make against us at all, I was still turned inside out. My hands were shaking, my throat had that pre-cry tightness and the pounding heartbeat was joining in. All the fun physiological effects of high emotional distress Weeeeeeee!!!!

That was yesterday. This morning I woke up with an emotional hangover. The pre-cry throat is still hanging around too.

So this should be the point where I bring in that word prompt that started this whole post in the first place. (Full disclosure, I had been hemming and hawing about writing about it anyway and was going to at least post something here but was still unsure what that was going to look like….)(the prompt happened and it looks like this) So I’m here thinking “doo doo doo, just look at some random stuff before deciding what to write, hmm hmm, la la la, distraction distraction….” then bammo, Prompt of the Day: Partner.

And I thought about Team FrumpBusters. And the friends that already had and the friends I’m making because of Team FrumpBusters and this whole Gishwhes thing we all said yes to. And I clicked the damn link thing to post about it and here we are my dudes. We took the long way but we made it. My partners. Team FrumpBusters. These are the most fucking awesome motherfuckers I know. They supported me, calmed my ass down, listened to me, brought me back to reality, shushed me, loved me, defended me, cheered me up, made me laugh, let me be a cry baby, distracted me and if they had been with me in person I would have gotten hugs and pats and knowing my people some chocolate or something like that. Damn. That shit makes me want to cry too. I don’t know why sometimes it feels so surprising to have friends like this. But I have tremendously awesome friends like this. I have people that care enough about me to do this stuff. For me. To have someone stand next to you while weird shit is going on, good and bad, and help carry it, and give you what you need so you can keep carrying the part you’re supposed to carry, not letting you drop it but no shit talking or scolding if you maybe let a corner fall or something. Helping you get back to center. And keep you from being alone.

I don’t know if I was supposed to write about my definition of a partner, or describe my perfect partner, or tell stories about partners or whatever, but this is what came out y’all. Maybe I should have spent more of this post on them. There will be more of that as we continue through Gishwhes but for now check out the post above this (below? before?) one. I don’t have just one partner, I’ve got a whole crew of them. And they just got heart gushed by me. Gross.

GISHWHES

Well I had my first GISHWHES meltdown this morning. We got all our team members so that’s good but I ended up feeling like I’ve been poor at my captaincy. Hope I spelled that right. Anyway, I wound myself up pretty good and ended up crying on my yoga mat thinking “I’ve failed and we’ve not even started!!!” Man. It was kinda gross. Not in a snotty crying gross just the whole feeling defeated before beginning. But man do I have some good friends. I was listened to and allowed to be a whiny bitch and then got some unconditional love and support.

This is the last GISHWHES ever and my first GISHWHES ever. I regret not doing it sooner but am stoked to be doing it now. It’s definately not something I’d do on my own. I’m a solitary creature by nature and usually don’t do team things. I’ve never played a team sport and was asked to not return to Girl Scouts so this is a big deal guys.

So a chat thing was started by Lisa and it made me cry the good kind of crying so I’m going to take her idea and put it here. I’ll be introducing the team members too. They are in no particular order.

Katey BoomBoom, or Kate, is Tisha to me. She and I have known each other since we were 7. So we’ve seen it all. Pooping, crying, bad fashion and hair, laughing, boys, enemies, fighting, injuries, trips….I could go on. We have Stories. Anyway, she’s seen as much of me as anyone and still loves me and is still my friend. She’s amazingly smart, a super great knitter and has two awesome kids. She’s eclectic and cool. She rocks. We grew up on the same street but now she lives in Ohio. Kate/Tish and Kevin are the Ohio Branch of Team FrumpBusters.

Lisa, village witch has the biggest heart of anyone I know and squirts it all over the place. She’s also super smart, creative and passionate. She’s on the list of people that I’ve laughed with till I’ve peed along with Tisha. She, too, has seen me at my best and worst and stuck by me. She challenges me to think about things in new ways. She also challenges me to feel stuff. And share it. I fucking hate feeling a lot of the time but especially sharing that shit. Ick. It makes me a better person though so there’s that. She’s my sister in heart for always. We also have Stories.

Allison is another long time friend. This friendship also included laughter with pee. It’s like the best thing ever. She’s another smart person in my life. There is a trend, I like smart people. We’ve seen marriages and a divorce, kids, concerts and dogs. Her son Sutton knows all the words to Riders on the Storm and is sassy AF. She and I share a love of food, Supernatural and poor time management skills. She is my SPNFGSW (Supernatural Fangirl Sister Wife) and we’ve had entire conversations with just Supernatural gifs. She crochet and we want to start a biz together. She’s the best shopper I know too.

Maydayray is Rachel and my first Poopsie. I’ve known her since she was a wee teen of 13 or 14 and now she’s a grow ass woman in her late 20’s. She’s the closest thing to a daughter I’ll ever have and I love the shit out of her. She’s very cerebral and creative. She reminds me of me a lot of the times, in good ways and I love her fashion. She’s another pee-laugher. I love her.

Tiffany is so flippin’ cool. She’s such a strong and resilient woman and an amazing mom. She’s a loyal friend and a kind heart. Tiffany seriously cares about people no matter what. She shows me how helping people helps self and seems to have an unending supply of service for others. She loves the outdoors and also has cool fashion and a quick wit. She’s a bad ass too. Also a smart person. And man, she’s open to new ways of thinking, sustainable living, acceptance and loving kindness in all areas of life. She’s my little punker hippy chick and she rocks.

Geoff I’ve not known long but I’ve learned some things about him in our short friendship. One, he’s got a kick ass taste in music. He’s hilarious and smart. And he’s ridden his bike across America. Jesus. I bet he’s got strong legs. I love that he will be silly and he’s made some awesome photo edits. Truly works of art. He’s been positive and encouraging on the team and super involved. He’s my Co-Captain and he’s the shit. I’m looking forward to getting to know him better. He’s in the Seattle Branch of our team.

I’ve only met Dom once in person and that dude has a smile for miles. I don’t know much about him yet but I do know he’s got an open mind and kind spirit. He also knows Lisa and Geoff and since I like them pretty well I already like him. I’m glad he joined us and am also looking forward to getting to know him better. Dom is another in the Seattle Branch.

Gregg is here in OKC and he is one hell of a guy. He’s generous with his help and his time and has a fantastic sense of humor. He’s made me laugh a lot and I’m impressed by his kindness. I love kind people so much! I know he’s a good and loyal friend, he cares for his family and friends a lot and is there when you need him. Gregg is another guy that’s the shit.

Kevin is Kate’s Mr. Man and while I don’t know him I know he’s gotta be cool cause he’s dating my friend. He gets tons of props from me for picking a strong woman like Kate. Or Tisha. I seem to go back and forth. She doesn’t like Tisha but that’s what I’ve known her forever as so…..sorry I wandered off topic on your paragraph there Kevin. Personally I think it’s pretty stellar I’ve paid attention this long and stayed with the subject matter.

Jonathon is also here in OKC buuuuut I don’t know him. Buuuuuut Rachel got him on the team and Tiffany was psyched he joined up with us so he’s gotta be good people. I trust them.

Zoey, Amanda, Joe and Rebekah are the CA Branch and I’m really glad to meet them. I am soooo looking forward to getting to know them and doing this adventure with them. I hope we can all get to know each other better and make this one hell of an experience.

Ok, there it is. My Team!!! I have high hopes and lots of excitement. Yay!

PS: there may be spelling mistakes, typos or grammatical errors. I apologize.

New Car – wtf

Well I did it. I got the new car I have been angsty and complainy and whiny and angry about for a very long time. I had that Nissan Murano that was a heap of shit and I hated it for so very long. Thing is, I struggled with this ‘but do I deseeerrrrrve to get a new car?’ ‘have I eaaaarrrrrrrrned a new car?’ ‘should I even tryyyyyyy to get a new car?’ ‘what if I go in there and they laugh at me ‘hahahaha sucka!!! no way!!!!’ ‘what if they say NO YOU SUCK GET OUT’.

None of that happened. They may have thought ‘hahaha sucka!’ because they are car salesmen. But they sold me the car. And now I have a new car. I bet I’m paying too much though. I was upside down on the Nissan (fucking devil car) and yeah I got the extended warranty and yeah my interest rate is higher than I wanted BUT I leaned my credit score wasn’t as bad as I feared and the interest rate isn’t as high as it could have been if my credit score was worse. And now I have a good car. That will last longer than a couple more years. Or hell, months. That damn Nissan had no plans to last even that long, to be honest.

So now the plan is to get my garage cleaned out so I can park my ride in it instead of all the junk parked in there now.