So this morning during my ‘quiet time’ I was doing some writing and had an “ooohhhhhhh’ moment. I’ve had those before and it’s this morning it wasn’t about anything new but I think I’m seeing it from a little different perspective, which makes me feel just a little different about it. There is no guarantee that it will actually change anything though. It was a huge disappointment to me when I finally realized and accepted that just because I know a ‘thing’ about me, this monumentally defective living mechanism that just does not work anymore, and that I know all it’s causes and conditions, does NOT mean that I’m all better and will not ever do that again. This self knowledge can make those things I do or don’t do that aren’t and haven’t been working for me more uncomfortable though. But I’m good at stuffing and avoidance. AND I HAVE KNOWN THAT FOR A LONG TIME WHY DOES IT STILL SURPRISE ME.
I mean I know that self knowledge alone will not change what isn’t working, causing emotional pain, ruining my credit score, relationships and waistline. I must take action! Nothing changes if nothing changes. The first time I heard that I had an “oooohhhhhhh” moment. Then I probably proceeded to put my blinders back on till I was really good and fucking miserable. And that is usually the point at which I decide to take action. Maybe. Man, am I even making sense this morning? Who knows. In my last post I said something about ‘brain thinks, fingers type’ and that might be happening here. Not really stream of consciousness but close enough.
I know a lot of neat things about myself. I’ve learned a lot of not neat things about myself too. I feel that I am fairly aware of my motives, what drives me or stalls me. I’ve learned to like me too. And I have taken actions and have overcome some pretty big ‘character defects’. My friends and family are every so grateful too.
But for the love of all that is good and chocolaty I still cannot
- remember what gets harshed
- keep clutter off the oven and kitchen counter
- leave the house with all my belongings
- successfully manage time
- make a decision
- not loose my knitting needle, crochet hook, sewing needle, phone, remote to anything, keys, glasses, scissors, nail file, important papers, various tools, time, art supplies, favorite sweaters, and once a rake
- remember how to spell guarantee (where the fuck am I supposed to put that ‘u’ again?) (thank you spell check)
- complete most projects that I start – or at least get them done in a timely manner
- get all the items on the grocery list
- remember the password to my email
- return packages and phone calls on time
- keep the garage neat
- keep all the clothes in their assigned drawers…. neatly
and plenty of other things.
- towels and sheets must be folded a certain way
I sincerely believe in that whole “nothing changes if nothing changes” thing. And that I have to participate in a lot of this whole personal growth recovery becoming the best person I can be kind of shit. And thankfully, for the most part, I do! I have people and systems in place to help me keep my mental and emotional shit together. I have things to do when I get all poopie (poopy? poopey?) pants and just want to lay on the couch so I don’t stay there. But for fucks sake I have tried and tried and tried to fix those things up there. I have read and implemented tips from magazines, books, world famous organizational wizards, folders, bins, bags, boxes, lists, timers, alarms, schedules, colorful ribbons, reminders on my phone and computer, repetitively saying ‘don’t forget….’, dietary supplements, making up songs, begging the good lord or what the hell ever started this universe to please fucking help me do that shit right ….. and I just can’t. I cannot change those things about me. I cannot fix them. Do you know how many times I’ve left without my keys and locked myself out of the house THIS WEEK? Do you have any idea how many times I leave and have to turn right around and go back because I forgot something AGAIN? Are you aware of the number of times I have chanted ‘g-u-a-r-a-n-t-e-e’ or ‘don’t forget your keys’ or ‘you put the scissors down on the green thing’ or ‘your knitting needle has been stuck in your pony tail’ ‘the crochet hood is in your cleavage’ ‘the screwdriver is on the kitchen table’ ‘your phone is in your hand’? What about the number of times I’ve asked Allison “now what are they harshing?” The list could and does go on.
I wish I could blame this on the copious amounts of pot I smoked in my youth but it just isn’t so. I know it didn’t help any but it is not the cause. I have been this way my entire life. For as long as I can remember I just cannot keep track of things, keep certain areas of my surroundings neat, follow simple directions, or go an extended period of time leaving the house regularly with everything I need. Repetition hasn’t helped those mysteriously spelled words (and why the hell is it so mysterious to me?!?), self discipline (or mom’s for that matter) kept my mind on one task to completion……and more. Much much more. Some day’s this drives me insane and I can’t stand it about me. And other day’s I have some acceptance that this is how I am.
One thing is sure though. Those goddamned towels and sheet will be fucking folded right.
May not be put away, but they will be folded right.