Tag: avoidance behavior

Self Analysis Nets Nothing

So this morning during my ‘quiet time’ I was doing some writing and had an “ooohhhhhhh’ moment. I’ve had those before and it’s this morning it wasn’t about anything new but I think I’m seeing it from a little different perspective, which makes me feel just a little different about it. There is no guarantee that it will actually change anything though. It was a huge disappointment to me when I finally realized and accepted that just because I know a ‘thing’ about me, this monumentally defective living mechanism that just does not work anymore, and that I know all it’s causes and conditions, does NOT mean that I’m all better and will not ever do that again. This self knowledge can make those things I do or don’t do that aren’t and haven’t been working for me more uncomfortable though. But I’m good at stuffing and avoidance. AND I HAVE KNOWN THAT FOR A LONG TIME WHY DOES IT STILL SURPRISE ME.

I mean I know that self knowledge alone will not change what isn’t working, causing emotional pain, ruining my credit score, relationships and waistline. I must take action! Nothing changes if nothing changes. The first time I heard that I had an “oooohhhhhhh” moment. Then I probably proceeded to put my blinders back on till I was really good and fucking miserable.  And that is usually the point at which I decide to take action. Maybe. Man, am I even making sense this morning? Who knows. In my last post I said something about ‘brain thinks, fingers type’ and that might be happening here. Not really stream of consciousness but close enough.

ANYWAY

I know a lot of neat things about myself. I’ve learned a lot of not neat things about myself too. I feel that I am fairly aware of my motives, what drives me or stalls me. I’ve learned to like me too. And I have taken actions and have overcome some pretty big ‘character defects’. My friends and family are every so grateful too.

But for the love of all that is good and chocolaty I still cannot

  • remember what gets harshed
  • keep clutter off the oven and kitchen counter
  • leave the house with all my belongings
  • successfully manage time
  • make a decision
  • not loose my knitting needle, crochet hook, sewing needle, phone, remote to anything, keys, glasses, scissors, nail file, important papers, various tools, time, art supplies, favorite sweaters, and once a rake
  • remember how to spell guarantee (where the fuck am I supposed to put that ‘u’ again?) (thank you spell check)
  • complete most projects that I start – or at least get them done in a timely manner
  •  get all the items on the grocery list
  • remember the password to my email
  • return packages and phone calls on time
  • keep the garage neat
  • keep all the clothes in their assigned drawers…. neatly

and plenty of other things.

HOWEVER

  • towels and sheets must be folded a certain way

BUT

I sincerely believe in that whole “nothing changes if nothing changes” thing. And that I have to participate in a lot of this whole personal growth recovery becoming the best person I can be kind of shit. And thankfully, for the most part, I do! I have people and systems in place to help me keep my mental and emotional shit together. I have things to do when I get all poopie (poopy? poopey?) pants and just want to lay on the couch so I don’t stay there. But for fucks sake I have tried and tried and tried to fix those things up there. I have read and implemented tips from magazines, books, world famous  organizational wizards, folders, bins, bags, boxes, lists, timers, alarms, schedules, colorful ribbons, reminders on my phone and computer, repetitively saying ‘don’t forget….’, dietary supplements,  making up songs, begging the good lord or what the hell ever started this universe to please fucking help me do that shit right ….. and I just can’t. I cannot change those things about me. I cannot fix them. Do you know how many times I’ve left without my keys and locked myself out of the house THIS WEEK? Do you have any idea how many times I leave and have to turn right around and go back because I forgot something AGAIN? Are you aware of the number of times I have chanted ‘g-u-a-r-a-n-t-e-e’ or ‘don’t forget your keys’ or ‘you put the scissors down on the green thing’ or ‘your knitting needle has been stuck in your pony tail’ ‘the crochet hood is in your cleavage’ ‘the screwdriver is on the kitchen table’ ‘your phone is in your hand’? What about the number of times I’ve asked Allison “now what are they harshing?” The list could and does go on.

I wish I could blame this on the copious amounts of pot I smoked in my youth but it just isn’t so. I know it didn’t help any but it is not the cause. I have been this way my entire life. For as long as I can remember I just cannot keep track of things, keep certain areas of my surroundings neat, follow simple directions, or go an extended period of time leaving the house regularly with everything I need. Repetition hasn’t helped those mysteriously spelled words (and why the hell is it so mysterious to me?!?), self discipline (or mom’s for that matter) kept my mind on one task to completion……and more. Much much more. Some day’s this drives me insane and I can’t stand it about me. And other day’s I have some acceptance that this is how I am.

One thing is sure though. Those goddamned towels and sheet will be fucking folded right.

May not be put away, but they will be folded right.

Avoidance: The Name of My Game

Argh. So many things….I’ve been wanting to update here for a while, tell a couple of things or stories or something but…..I have not. I am adept at not doing a lot of things I want, need or should do and I can rationalize and justify why with the best of them. Also pretty good at just not doing and not excusing or explaining why. My mom always said no one could make me do anything I didn’t (or did, it turns out) want to do. Pretty sure this has been a trait of mine for most of my life. As an infant, apparently if I didn’t like what Mom was feeding me I’d refused to swallow it, no matter how bad it tasted.  She thought it was frustrating and kind of stupid. I can’t argue with her on that. Who the hell really wants to sit with nasty tasting food in their mouth for any amount of time? Why the hell would someone do that? But, I guess  the thought of swallowing that nastiness seemed worse and spitting it out wouldn’t do any good either; the grossness would just be put right back. So I can see how, if in the helplessness of a baby, there might be some amount of control by doing neither of what was wanted. Does that even make sense? Hell yeah it does! To me!

 

So I’m avoiding….. I go this new phone. I switched from iPhone to Android not too long ago and the started phone I got was just a cheapie. I didn’t want to get a nice expensive phone just to get a month in a wail about the huge mistake I made then not be able to go back to iPhone because of poor choices. So I did alright with that new Android. Liked a lot of things about it actually but it was cheap so….. Yesterday I bit the bullet and used the money I got from selling the old iPhone and upgraded to a better phone. Cool thing about droids is you can still get a pretty cool phone that works well without paying a shit ton of money. So this new phone has that whole ‘Ok Google’ thing on it and I was trying it out and stuff and tested the play music thing and it did which is cool but what’s even cooler than that is the song it played. Highway to Hell by ACDC. Hahahahahah!!! Yeah yeah, you might not think it’s funny but if you knew me better you would. *sigh* So if I wrote here enough maybe you would know me better and understand why that’s so funny to me. See? My proclivity to procrastinate not only hurts me, but it hurts you too. And for that I am sorry.

(the line breaks indicate time breaks that are longer than a month)

So it seems that I can only get one paragraph done at a time.  That is really really poor output. Considering how wordy I can be how much my brain thiiiiiinks all the damn time you’d think I’d be able to crank out more than one measly paragraph at once and maybe more frequently than on a quarterly basis. Why don’t we look at it from a different perspective? My procrastination skills and avoidance behaviors are on point. And man, blogging takes time people, lots of time. And good blogging takes even more time. And it’s not like I got a lot of that hanging around just waiting to get used up. Kind of like my money situation. Blogging may not take much of my money but it takes my time and living takes a lot of money, and I guess I’m living a lot because I’m low on time and dollars. Also, I do not excel in time management. So perhaps this low rate of output is more multifaceted that I originally thought.

Also I feel like maybe I should post more than just one paragraph. I know that people are just sitting around waiting to read this shit going ‘just post something lady, COME ON’ and then when I do they aren’t thinking ‘gyp!!! We waited for how long? For one lousy paragraph?!?!’. Nah man, I know what’s on the other side of this blog and I’m totally ok with that. I still feel like if I’m going get on here and tippity tap this ole keyboard I should at least make the post more substantial than a granola bar. Now don’t get me wrong. I love a good granola bar and there are times they can really hit the spot, but I wouldn’t class them up there with a big ole bowl of macaroni and cheese and that’s what I’d really like to provide any readership that may somehow come across this little bloggo. Just a nice filling bowl of macaroni and cheese. Warm, satisfying, enjoyable, and a nice mix of too many carbs and some protein. So………yeah, I got nuthin’ today that compares to macaroni and cheese. Not even the kind with the powdered cheese. Which sometimes, like a granola bar, can hit the spot. But it’s not like a giant serving of mashed potatoes. God I love mashed potatoes.

Also, sometimes I seriously question my original urge to start this blog. I wonder what the real motivation was. What do I really want from doing this? What’s the real goal here? Write thought provoking yet humorous posts about my only slightly interesting life? Is this a platform to pontificate on the issues of the day, whatever that may be? I know in my very first post I listed a few things I wanted to do with this and I think that yeah, I wanted to pontificate some (who doesn’t? even in private) in a thought provoking and humorous way about issues and my life and what I thought was interesting. I also wanted to talk about the boys in the office and all the awesome conversations they have. There is a running joke now about it….I made a comment once that I was going to chronicle their discussions of various snack foods; socks; when to shower (am or pm); how to dry hair; shoes, sports; dinner; trucks; golf; golf shirts; how fast one can eat four big mac’s, 12 oreos, 12 tacos and many many other foods; candy; chips (what exactly makes a chip a chip); soda; dogs; guns; more food…..food discussions are the most frequent. And fucking hilarious.

There was gishwhes too. I wanted to really go on and on and on about gishwhes. I did a little. I also bemoaned some drama and some shit. But I am pretty sure that somewhere I did say that this endeavor could end up just a lot of nothing.  And lo! It’s a lot of nothing!! Which isn’t a bad thing. I’m entertained. While it would be really fucking awesome to be like that Jillee* person and have a semi famous blog and maybe earn some cash and have a lot of people think I’m really cool I’d have to ……. be different. I mean I am pretty cool and I make cool shit. I am a pretty good cook. I have a whole SHIT TON of photography to share; earrings to sell; doodads to look at; knits and crochets to wear; dogs to love on; cats to make fun of; really fun friends to talk about; a tv show to fangirl about; music to muse about (heh – alliteration is fun) (jesus I know that was weak alliteration and I can do better) ; issues to pontificate; funny things say……but man, the time. The organizational skills I’d need. I’m so busy doing all those other things actually getting them into a blog to make me super cool, famous and rich is not usually a top priority. Besides, I can’t stay up all goddamned night anymore. Christ, I do that once and I’m toast at work for the next couple of days. So where do I go from here? Hm.

Jesus, and I just lost my train of thought. See? That’s another thing. Train of thought. I go an misplace it all the fucking time. Thus the name of the blog…..concentration lost….heh, it all makes sense now doesn’t it? Yep. Well maybe not much but some things have been explained. Maybe. Ugh.

ANYWAY, maybe I’ll close this post with some random pictures I’ve taken.

 

^ Taken from the plane flying into Portland

^ A set up of paper beads about to become earrings

^ A dill plant flowered out taken at night, upside down with the flash on

^ The little house thing in my back yard last summer

^ My art table with some of my jewelry making shit out.

^ My sweet Poopsie playing in the hose

^ Some shrooms that were growing in a crook of my pecan tree

^ Lulubelle enjoying the space heater

^ One of the thousands of pictures of the zinnias in my back yard – looooove zinnias

^ Paco – he’s a little disgruntled about the photo op and lack of snack

^ Paco on guard while Poopsie loves on Little Momma

^ Oscar wearing crocheted doughnuts

^ A morning sky from my office window

^ Poopsie putting her rear in the sprinkler

^ Some long ago snow in my backyard at night

^ Christmas lights somewhere in Tulsa

^ Sky, clouds and a rainbow from my back yard

^ Paco chillin’ in the backyard

^ Me and my pal Al on our first ever #SPNFGF (Supernatural Fangirl Friday)

^ An Oregon road

^ Ice Cream the cat and Creepy Baby the doll

^ The Chinese Pastiche that’s famous in my neighborhood in the falltime

^ Some beautiful place in rural Oklahoma – went on a tiny vacation there with a friend

^ An abandoned house I saw going out to the Great Salt Plains one summer

^ Neskowin beach

^ Lulubelle waiting for me to put the phone down

Ok so I took all those pictures myself and if you like them yay and if you don’t oh well and if you think about using them please don’t but tell me you want to and maybe we can work something out but most of all don’t be a dick and say you took those pics or anything and if you don’t like ’em keep that opinion to your self. I’m not egotistical enough to think that these are like the Best Fucking Pictures of Ever and I know they aren’t Magazine Quality or have that Pro Status or whatever, but I took them, I like them, I own them and they tell bits about me, so there. Most important, just don’t be a dick, please, that shit ain’t cool.

 

*Jillee has that blog/website One Good Thing….. I hope it’s ok to put a link to her here….. cause here it is…. https://www.onegoodthingbyjillee.com/