Tag: fear

Three Things

So I have this “game: I like to play sometimes with my friends. I usually start it if I’m feeling a little poopy pants but I’ve also been known to throw it out randomly or if friends seem a little poopy pants. Anyway, the game goes “Quick! Three Things!” and the goal is to quickly list three things you have gratitude for, or makes you happy or feel good. It’s something I learned to help combat my depression and I’ll be damned, when I’m consistent, it makes a difference.

So yesterday, I got tossed a similar Three Things challenge. “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”. Wow. I’d been asked that question before, but it was a long time ago and life looked very different then. I was a mess way back in the day. “She was lucky to make it to lunch” is how I believe she described the me from that time. Not inaccurate. And at the time it kind of blew my mind. Such a simple question but man oh man the answers I had then were so very very eye opening. I don’t recall the exact answers I gave but it was pretty much “everything” and “be happy”. So, about 15 or 16 years later everything is different. I can make it to lunch just fine. Most days. And I’m happy. Most of the time. And I have, am and will do as many of the things I never thought I could do because of fear. Notice I didn’t say I was free of fear. Nope. Still there. I’m sure like depression, general bad attitude and naturally high volume level, it’s always going to be a part of me. Thankfully I don’t always let it lead me around by the nose anymore.

So let’s play!

Quick! Three Things: Gratitude Edition! (Since this is a blog you can participate without needing to pause the thing, so go on, write three things down)

  • Clean, running hot and cold water in my house
  • My animals (yeeees, even the cats)
  • Music

Quick! Three Things: Fear(less) Edition!! (Come on now, don’t be poopy pants! Write some things!)

  • Learn how to play the guitar, and maybe even sing along with it.
  • Skydive
  • Fall in love again

Yesterday one of my answers to the Fear(less) Edition was different. It was “Quit my job and be a full time artist”. Boy that one is scary. I’m sorta kinda in a teeny tiny little bitty way working on that. I did open the Etsy shop after all. And I am working on things in my art room. It’s slow but I’m taking action. And I know what I’ve got in the shop isn’t really art. I like making fun jewelry too. But that’s the ultimate goal with the shop. Have more than just some cute jewelry things up there, but some well crafted artful pieces, as well as just Artsy Things. Maybe even one day have my own site instead of a little bitty spot in Etsy-Land.

ANYWAY, I think that’s all I’ve got for now. We can all thank my buddy AL for making me think about that stuff again. Even blogging the shit. This whole blog thing is just so awkward to me, but I also like it. And it’s also a little scary. So if any person actually really did in fact read this, comment with your six things! Please?

 

Problems and Solutions

Hi hello good morning how are you?!?!

Almost six am and got me a wild hair to write some shit down here. It may not be of much importance, but for 2019 one of the pseudo-resolutions I’ve sorta given myself (taken on? decided to try? implement? what is a good phrasing here?) is to fucking follow through with shit. I have great ideas all the time. I get solutions to what ails gifted to me for free daily. The revelations I am presented that will improve and change me and my world for the better are on the reg (do the kids still say that?). But do I take advantage? Do I move my ass, get in gear and do the shit? Hell no!! Why the fuck not? No idea!! But 2018 was the Year of Doing Stuff and that shall continue and so 2019 is gonna head towards The Year of Follow Through. Because (here is where it gets deep y’all) the solution to all my slow burn problems, the ones we all have, the ones we wallow in, roll around in and rub on our faces, ones we piss and moan and cry and want so different but ‘it’s too haaaarrrd’ (heh, she said, heh), these kinds of problems have a solution that is very near at hand. I mean so close. As close as I am. Which is right fucking here. Catch my drift? You get what I’m sayin’? You know what I mean? You know what I mean. All I have to do is take some fucking action man, and I even know which action to fucking take. So, follow through on some shit. I am scared and lazy and doubtful and even sickeningly content (ew) not taking the action because I delusionally feel it’s easer to stay sitting in my poopy diaper of self-pity instead of just getting my ass UP and DOING SOMETHING. Christ Almighty why do I resist when I know exactly what resisting gets me every single time? Jeeeeesus. Ok. Here I go. Will report back.

Oh boy, I did something involving Fear.

Ok so jumping right on in here, I opened an Etsty shop. Big fucking deal, right? WRONG. Very Big Fucking Deal. To me anyway. And then I made an Instagram account for it. Whaaaat?!?! With pictures of me wearing my jewelry. Awkward pictures of me wearing my jewelry.

K, little background ….

So I graduated from college with a BA in Graphic Art. Not computer graphics, but 2D art, like painting and drawing and shit. But I am not good at that. I’m ok with water-color I guess and I like oil painting but am really bad at just plain drawing. If I spent more time working on it I bet ya I’d improve. And I do love dicking around with sketching and stuff. I love color – it’s what I love about painting. I love mixing and using color and I usually end up with something different that what I originally planned. That’s not what this is about though. When I had to take a 3D class and ceramics I went THIS IS WHAT I LOVE. I have always loved doing things like that, putting together weird creations with sticks and leaves, making crowns and shoes and belts and bags with the giant leaves off the ancient mulberry tree in the front yard. I would use paper and markers to make dresses and flip-flops and crowns (what kid doesn’t need a freaking crown and flip-flops?). I would play dress up with my grandmothers fancy gowns and use her jewelry to make (yup) crowns and belts and bras (I don’t know – it was before I got boobs so I was fascinated I guess). I pissed off my mom because I kept taking my music boxes apart to see how they worked. My record player too. Getting older I started doing those friendship pin things, with the weird plastic beads that have the three ball things and fit together and safety pins. Moved up to embroidery floss and knots for friendship bracelets and graduated to seed beads, big beads, glass beads, all beads for necklaces and earrings. In highschool if figured out I liked messing with fabrics, making clothes and bags and shit. I discovered ceramics too.

But college made it all come together for me. I learned basics and techniques. I learned what I really like and what I don’t. I learned what I’m good at and what I fucking suck at so bad. The top three, silversmithing, fiber arts and ceramics. I love those. And since then I’ve wanted to make and sell shit for a living. But fear, insecurity, self-doubt and then more self doubt, alcoholism, relationships, excuses, bills, fear, and ad infinitum kept me from doing anything.

So now, 18 years later, I am finally taking action. My skills are rusty and so is a lot of my equipment. I’ve had to replace some thing and get out a couple of old books. I’ve reconfigured the art room, added shelves and shit. Got my flex shaft set up, made a spreadsheet, and pulled together supplies and stuff I’ve made, started and never finished and ideas I never started. And then just opened the shop. I have a few things up and more to get pictures of to post. I’ve sold two things already!

I have to keep reminding me that it does not need to be perfect the first time. I need to keep telling me that it’s a process and takes a bit to get in the groove. I won’t have a trillion customers all at once and it’s totally ok if my inventory and skill grows slower than I want it to. What’s important is that I am taking the action.

So, there you have it.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SundryAdornments

https://www.instagram.com/making_awkward/

This is fucking terrifying. What if I fail? My stuff isn’t that good. People won’t like it. It’ll never sell. I suck. I will fail fail fail and people will laugh at me and the world will melt and burn and we will all die a horrible and painful bloody death.

That is what my head tells me.

But man, gonna do it anyway. If the planet explodes, I’m really sorry.