Tag: help

Problems and Solutions

Hi hello good morning how are you?!?!

Almost six am and got me a wild hair to write some shit down here. It may not be of much importance, but for 2019 one of the pseudo-resolutions I’ve sorta given myself (taken on? decided to try? implement? what is a good phrasing here?) is to fucking follow through with shit. I have great ideas all the time. I get solutions to what ails gifted to me for free daily. The revelations I am presented that will improve and change me and my world for the better are on the reg (do the kids still say that?). But do I take advantage? Do I move my ass, get in gear and do the shit? Hell no!! Why the fuck not? No idea!! But 2018 was the Year of Doing Stuff and that shall continue and so 2019 is gonna head towards The Year of Follow Through. Because (here is where it gets deep y’all) the solution to all my slow burn problems, the ones we all have, the ones we wallow in, roll around in and rub on our faces, ones we piss and moan and cry and want so different but ‘it’s too haaaarrrd’ (heh, she said, heh), these kinds of problems have a solution that is very near at hand. I mean so close. As close as I am. Which is right fucking here. Catch my drift? You get what I’m sayin’? You know what I mean? You know what I mean. All I have to do is take some fucking action man, and I even know which action to fucking take. So, follow through on some shit. I am scared and lazy and doubtful and even sickeningly content (ew) not taking the action because I delusionally feel it’s easer to stay sitting in my poopy diaper of self-pity instead of just getting my ass UP and DOING SOMETHING. Christ Almighty why do I resist when I know exactly what resisting gets me every single time? Jeeeeesus. Ok. Here I go. Will report back.

To go outside ….

Why am I still at work?
What fresh hell hath consigned me thusly to chair and desk as the sun shines warmly and the ladybugs fly? Why must I be trapped under florescent lights and in processed air rather than the sky and cool wind to whoosh in my ears? What wrongs have I committed to be so tortured as this? I could be free! I could out amongst nature with trees and dirt and clouds! I could be rejuvenated by the very air, open and clear! I could be reacquainting myself with the very carbon from which we come, digging in the dirt, preparing the garden one final time for the long sleep of winter. This day, this sunny sunny day, could be the last …. the last warmth I could feel from the sun before the season of cold takes over, bringing the world to its knees in a frozen anguish. Why am I here? What must I do to be free before this one last chance at goodness and light is lost, gone forevermore?!?!?

Self Analysis Nets Nothing

So this morning during my ‘quiet time’ I was doing some writing and had an “ooohhhhhhh’ moment. I’ve had those before and it’s this morning it wasn’t about anything new but I think I’m seeing it from a little different perspective, which makes me feel just a little different about it. There is no guarantee that it will actually change anything though. It was a huge disappointment to me when I finally realized and accepted that just because I know a ‘thing’ about me, this monumentally defective living mechanism that just does not work anymore, and that I know all it’s causes and conditions, does NOT mean that I’m all better and will not ever do that again. This self knowledge can make those things I do or don’t do that aren’t and haven’t been working for me more uncomfortable though. But I’m good at stuffing and avoidance. AND I HAVE KNOWN THAT FOR A LONG TIME WHY DOES IT STILL SURPRISE ME.

I mean I know that self knowledge alone will not change what isn’t working, causing emotional pain, ruining my credit score, relationships and waistline. I must take action! Nothing changes if nothing changes. The first time I heard that I had an “oooohhhhhhh” moment. Then I probably proceeded to put my blinders back on till I was really good and fucking miserable.  And that is usually the point at which I decide to take action. Maybe. Man, am I even making sense this morning? Who knows. In my last post I said something about ‘brain thinks, fingers type’ and that might be happening here. Not really stream of consciousness but close enough.

ANYWAY

I know a lot of neat things about myself. I’ve learned a lot of not neat things about myself too. I feel that I am fairly aware of my motives, what drives me or stalls me. I’ve learned to like me too. And I have taken actions and have overcome some pretty big ‘character defects’. My friends and family are every so grateful too.

But for the love of all that is good and chocolaty I still cannot

  • remember what gets harshed
  • keep clutter off the oven and kitchen counter
  • leave the house with all my belongings
  • successfully manage time
  • make a decision
  • not loose my knitting needle, crochet hook, sewing needle, phone, remote to anything, keys, glasses, scissors, nail file, important papers, various tools, time, art supplies, favorite sweaters, and once a rake
  • remember how to spell guarantee (where the fuck am I supposed to put that ‘u’ again?) (thank you spell check)
  • complete most projects that I start – or at least get them done in a timely manner
  •  get all the items on the grocery list
  • remember the password to my email
  • return packages and phone calls on time
  • keep the garage neat
  • keep all the clothes in their assigned drawers…. neatly

and plenty of other things.

HOWEVER

  • towels and sheets must be folded a certain way

BUT

I sincerely believe in that whole “nothing changes if nothing changes” thing. And that I have to participate in a lot of this whole personal growth recovery becoming the best person I can be kind of shit. And thankfully, for the most part, I do! I have people and systems in place to help me keep my mental and emotional shit together. I have things to do when I get all poopie (poopy? poopey?) pants and just want to lay on the couch so I don’t stay there. But for fucks sake I have tried and tried and tried to fix those things up there. I have read and implemented tips from magazines, books, world famous  organizational wizards, folders, bins, bags, boxes, lists, timers, alarms, schedules, colorful ribbons, reminders on my phone and computer, repetitively saying ‘don’t forget….’, dietary supplements,  making up songs, begging the good lord or what the hell ever started this universe to please fucking help me do that shit right ….. and I just can’t. I cannot change those things about me. I cannot fix them. Do you know how many times I’ve left without my keys and locked myself out of the house THIS WEEK? Do you have any idea how many times I leave and have to turn right around and go back because I forgot something AGAIN? Are you aware of the number of times I have chanted ‘g-u-a-r-a-n-t-e-e’ or ‘don’t forget your keys’ or ‘you put the scissors down on the green thing’ or ‘your knitting needle has been stuck in your pony tail’ ‘the crochet hood is in your cleavage’ ‘the screwdriver is on the kitchen table’ ‘your phone is in your hand’? What about the number of times I’ve asked Allison “now what are they harshing?” The list could and does go on.

I wish I could blame this on the copious amounts of pot I smoked in my youth but it just isn’t so. I know it didn’t help any but it is not the cause. I have been this way my entire life. For as long as I can remember I just cannot keep track of things, keep certain areas of my surroundings neat, follow simple directions, or go an extended period of time leaving the house regularly with everything I need. Repetition hasn’t helped those mysteriously spelled words (and why the hell is it so mysterious to me?!?), self discipline (or mom’s for that matter) kept my mind on one task to completion……and more. Much much more. Some day’s this drives me insane and I can’t stand it about me. And other day’s I have some acceptance that this is how I am.

One thing is sure though. Those goddamned towels and sheet will be fucking folded right.

May not be put away, but they will be folded right.