To go outside ….

Why am I still at work?
What fresh hell hath consigned me thusly to chair and desk as the sun shines warmly and the ladybugs fly? Why must I be trapped under florescent lights and in processed air rather than the sky and cool wind to whoosh in my ears? What wrongs have I committed to be so tortured as this? I could be free! I could out amongst nature with trees and dirt and clouds! I could be rejuvenated by the very air, open and clear! I could be reacquainting myself with the very carbon from which we come, digging in the dirt, preparing the garden one final time for the long sleep of winter. This day, this sunny sunny day, could be the last …. the last warmth I could feel from the sun before the season of cold takes over, bringing the world to its knees in a frozen anguish. Why am I here? What must I do to be free before this one last chance at goodness and light is lost, gone forevermore?!?!?

Oh what a Fangirl I am – edited for commentary and corrections

Hey guys, heeeeeyyyyy

So there is this show that I really like and if I’m honest, sometimes I just think it’s the worst. But that somehow makes me love it even more. (How does that even work? Cause I fucking love it so bad.) And then I think about Twilight and I’m all, nope, not the worst. Not even close. (Apologies to those of you that love Twilight – I have nothing against vampires, sparkly things, young love, angst and drama, but this combo…I did not dig it)

So The Show? Supernatural. It’s epic, my love for this show, the characters, the actors, the crew, everything about it. I have seriously never ever in my life fangirled this hard over ANYTHING. Not even when I was a moody teenager. (And I am so far from a moody teenager…) So what about it? Well, lots actually. But where do I start? Ugh.

(my god I can run the shit out of my mouth – thank all that’s good and delicious y’all can’t see in my brain)


So, I guess I should talk about why I love the show etc. I’ll even throw in stuff about me while I am at it. We can maybe even consider this an open letter to The Boys. And really, this blog post is inspired by an SPN project I want to take part in. It’s maybe the rough draft of what I may or may not submit. Maybe this is that whole brainstorming thing where you throw all the shit at the wall to see what sticks. And you lucky people that chose to read this, … get to read it. So here goes! It might be long. I am long-winded. I love using lots of words. (soooo many words) (the project was a letter to the characters about why they are so loved – I submitted nothing)

Dear Dean, Sam, Cas, Jensen, Jared and Misha,

Hi, my name is Melissa and I’m a pretty regular person and I admire you greatly. I know that if you guys knew me you’d think I was pretty cool, for a regular person. I am out here in ole OK Oklahoma City.  Heh. Get it? OK …. Oklahoma? Yeah yeah, bad joke but it was one of our illustrious leaders that thought the phrase “Oklahoma is OK!” was a great slogan; it was on the license plate for ages. Anyway….

(Digressing is a thing I do. I mostly edit it out of all my communications as much as I can, but I think that today I will not do that. So the fingers type what the brain thinks.) (god the brain thinks to much and with verbosity)

I’d like the reason that I’m writing this to have some very deep and meaningful motivations. It does actually, but you’ve more than likely heard all the deeply meaningful motivations already; one more won’t catch your eye. Also, is this supposed to be directed to Sam, Dean and Cas. But since you’re fictional characters, I am, hmmmm, not really sure how this is going to go. Because some of it is directed to the real people, soooooo…..(remember, the fingers type what the brain thinks). Ok, telling the real people how the characters they portray have done me good will be the way this goes. So, alrighty then, I’m addressing you Mr. Jensen Ackles, Mr. Jared Padalecki and Mr. Misha Collins about Dean, Sam and Cas. Can I make this more complicated? You bet!

(look, we all know that there are way more than just these three that I adore and for lots of reasons, but my god that would be way too many words here – already there are too many)

Telling you how Supernatural changed my life, improved my friendships, helped me lose ten pounds, got me rich quick and helped me realize my dreams/self worth/God’s love would only partially be bullshit (my friendship with my bestie has been improved and I have awesome new friends that are a direct result of the show)(my life has changed due to SPN, in good ways and not so good ways – things have been realized, pounds have been gained, hearts have been broken…) but it also kinda heads into that deeply meaningful and impossibly angsty prose that’s gross and fanfic is rife with. (PS there is some damn good fanfic out there)(PPS I am one of those angsty gagarific writer people) Let’s avoid pitfalls where we can. (ha, right – didn’t happen)

So, here we go. Ok, Dean, let me tell y’all about why I love him: he’s an alpha male – man, mmmm hmmmm. (wtf melissa) But it’s not just his sex appeal –  there are real things too and frankly, they add to the sex appeal for me. (rolling my eyes at myself) Dean is loyal to his family and friends; his friends are his family. He loves his people deeply and would do anything for them. His strength of character and dedication to the good (while being bad – why do I love that so much?) is admirable. He’s smart (but he plays dumb on tv!) and someone I could unashamedly eat an entire pizza with. His moral code, while often a little too black and white for my comfort, is something that he works hard to uphold (and he will break the law to do it so there’s that). He is a Rebel with A Lot of Good Causes. In short he’s funny, brave, caring, strong, dependable, crazy, mean, scary, talented, well traveled, clever, confident, unsure, proud, cocky, humble, capable, serious, fun, dedicated, spontaneous, codependent, independent and a big eater. I wish he liked dogs but I get why he wouldn’t. Not gonna mention the things I’m not that fond of, I can’t change them, I must accept them.

Dean is relateable because I, too, have a low self esteem inflamed by unreachably high self-set expectations for goodness and responsibility that is damaging to myself and my relationships; an unhealthy love of food and driving too fast along with other self-destructive ideologies and behaviors. (it sounds worse than it actually is)

Sam. Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.  Oh man. So many things I love and relate to. Honestly, I had a hard time with Sam the first run through the series, and still do sometimes. The kicker is that I AM LIKE THAT. In the beginning, he’s angry and selfish and mean to Dean; he could be demanding and whiny too. I can’t lie, I’ve been all of those. And pretty sure I still am more than I like. But he is super smart and I have a thing for smart people. Like his brother, his intentions are always good. He doesn’t want to hurt people, he wants to help them; he has a lot of compassion and empathy. He isn’t afraid of feeeeeelings. (oh boy, I am)  And he’s also strong, dedicated, loves his family and friends and is loyal (sometimes to the wrong person but who here hasn’t made that mistake?). He is very serious and takes just about everything very seriously. I have a tendency to also be so very serious. But when he laughs it’s…wonderful. He’s got this deep, kinda awkward laugh and I love it. Also, he is health conscious.

But then, there’s The Big One. The whole addiction thing. Oh man that was a rough one – I am not addicted to demon blood but I have spent most of my life on both sides of that Good Time. Watching it was hard, because so many of the thoughts and feelings of both Sam and Dean hit right at dead center of home. Jesus Christ Sammy. I feel like there should be more here …. Dean’s paragraph seems longer ….

Ok, now about Cas. I have a soft spot for this awkward and unsure guy/angel/guy. Some things we share: I am confused and stumped by pop culture, movie references and slang, (incredibly stupid sentence removed for readers sake) also a serious personality, and that loyalty trait thing. I have a painfully loyal heart. He is sincere about shit too. But I think what gets me is his doubt in what was truth for so long. His going off the angel script, I guess you could say. His rebellion. And how all that changed him from a kind of edgy, inhuman thing to a confused and earnest person it makes my  heart hurt. And then he does all that shit with very very good intentions and it all goes to hell. Purgatory. Whatever. He just wants to Fix It so bad! Oh how I know those feels. But of all his character development, season 13 is my fave. Fucking sass them man, sass the fuck outta all of ’em.

A thesis about Supernatural archetypes, the use of tropes, wardrobe choices, relationship dynamics and how it all applies to ‘the regular person’ has already been written, a handful of times I am sure. (another dreadful sentence removed) But man, all those relationship archetypes, the dynamics, the feeeellings, while pretty unhealthy and co-dependent, are so attractive to me. I know, it sounds so bad to say that. But who the hell doesn’t want someone to love them so much they’d sell their soul or let the world just burn for them? I am waving my hand here. Not gonna lie, I think I want that. (also, don’t always believe what you think) My Dudes, I know how unhealthy that is – yet man, that is a lot of love. And what’s it feel like to love someone that fucking much? To be that close to my siblings, my friends, there is something compelling about it. I love words so much yet I cannot describe it. Those unhealthy relationship dynamics actually gave me an idea of what I had kind of been looking for in my marriage experiments. Intimacy, not sexytime intimacy y’all – that smutty stuff is fun (real fun) but that These relationships don’t have it is a big deal to me. So yeah, that closeness, that emotional intimacy is so attractive and what I wanted, have wanted, do want in my relationships. It’s really hard though when chick flick moments make me sooooooo uncomfortable. Another thing Dean and I have in common. Jesus don’t make me talk about how I really feel. Ick. ESPECIALLY IN PERSON. But ok, that vulnerability…I don’t even know. Oh shit, and the whole Dean and Bobby dynamic…aaaahhhh LOVE IT. I mean, daddy issues and then this gruff guy, and he loves them ugh. My stupid heart. Oh shit, digression. (it is unavoidable)


I wish I could brag about all the charitable donations I’ve made or volunteer hours I’ve logged or inspirational tweets/memes/art projects/phone calls executed in the name of Supernatural. Not to say that those haven’t happened as a direct result of Supernatural. Being a part of the #SPNFamily (do I qualify for that?) did spur me to take actions in all those regards. Just not at brag worthy levels. But it is one more thing to go “see? see what SPN has done in my life? see what it made me do?” It made me more aware of things, and encouraged action. Made me act like a better person.

The emotions that Supernatural characters and the real life people behind them elicit in me have, quite frankly, stunned me. I was ill prepared for the reaction I had to the whole SPN Phenomenon. Look, I’ve had my fair share of crushes, fave shows, famous loves etc throughout my life. There have been pleeeeeenty daydreams, the inspired choices, angsty fist-clenched tears, all the wishes and unrealized desires, all somehow connected to fiction (I have a lifelong love of reading fiction). I’ve had pleeeeeeeeenty of all that in relation to my very own real life as well. Yet, was still, am still, surprised at the depth of my emotional response to this show, the characters and people in and around this show, the fandom and for all things Supernatural.  I have been totally and completely shocked, embarrassed, humbled, scared, amused and plenty of other things.

(a digression has been removed)

Man, what else has affected me and how I live me as much as that? Only one thing. It’s a deeply meaningful personal experience in my life. On the 17th of January (2019) I’ll celebrate 17 years of sobriety. Recovery saved the messy and sad life I had and gave me this awesomely regular one. And that I can pull correlations between getting my life truly in order and Supernatural is something, isn’t it? But there you have it.

So at the end of this composition I am still just a regular person that’s longing for a connection to something and to people that appear greater than myself. I am just another fan secretly (sometimes not so secretly) yet quite desperately hoping and wishing for some reciprocity between myself and you (you being the actors, also other fans I see online). You’re real people with a super kick ass job and you effect change and affect hearts in deep and meaningful ways. I am just one more person that wants a bit of that glanced my way. It would be like being sprinkled with (good) fairy dust – all happily magical and shit.

I don’t have the resources (by resources I mean time and money – man, I have a life that needs my attention so choices must be made. ) I don’t have time to be on Twitter enough or make it to enough conventions (words have been removed) or whatever it takes to catch your attention. (Plus, a lot of that is stalkery and creepy and I’m just not into that and makes me uncomfortable) Part of me feels like I’m too old for all this, and besides (sticking with a theme here) I’d like an interaction more meaningful than a black and white headshot pic hastily signed on your lunch break as you ride to the airport to fly somewhere else.  I mean, I want to be seen, if that even makes any sense at all. Which it may only to me. It’s like a validation thing. You know, being noticed and liked by the coolest kids in class when you’re that back row weirdo kid. (hello from the back row) But I know that I would be sorry if I didn’t at least send it out there, stick my hand out and introduce myself, so to speak. If I want a connection I need to at least try, yeah? Yeah. Sooooo…..And the weird thing is I want to be noticed by Dean, Sam and Cas as much as Jensen, Jared and Misha, which is something else that worries me (delusional at all?) And then I’m all “but they have so much expected of them” and I feel guilty for wanting that.


So, guys, there you have it. A wordy and probably poorly written something or other put out there on the world wide web for any yahoo to read. So now I am embarrassed. And I think I am just fine that my readership is very small. And I still haven’t decided if I want to participate in the project or not. But ah, thanks? Thank you? Thank you. How’s one to eloquently close something like this? One cannot.




Avoidance: The Name of My Game

Argh. So many things….I’ve been wanting to update here for a while, tell a couple of things or stories or something but…..I have not. I am adept at not doing a lot of things I want, need or should do and I can rationalize and justify why with the best of them. Also pretty good at just not doing and not excusing or explaining why. My mom always said no one could make me do anything I didn’t (or did, it turns out) want to do. Pretty sure this has been a trait of mine for most of my life. As an infant, apparently if I didn’t like what Mom was feeding me I’d refused to swallow it, no matter how bad it tasted.  She thought it was frustrating and kind of stupid. I can’t argue with her on that. Who the hell really wants to sit with nasty tasting food in their mouth for any amount of time? Why the hell would someone do that? But, I guess  the thought of swallowing that nastiness seemed worse and spitting it out wouldn’t do any good either; the grossness would just be put right back. So I can see how, if in the helplessness of a baby, there might be some amount of control by doing neither of what was wanted. Does that even make sense? Hell yeah it does! To me!


So I’m avoiding….. I go this new phone. I switched from iPhone to Android not too long ago and the started phone I got was just a cheapie. I didn’t want to get a nice expensive phone just to get a month in a wail about the huge mistake I made then not be able to go back to iPhone because of poor choices. So I did alright with that new Android. Liked a lot of things about it actually but it was cheap so….. Yesterday I bit the bullet and used the money I got from selling the old iPhone and upgraded to a better phone. Cool thing about droids is you can still get a pretty cool phone that works well without paying a shit ton of money. So this new phone has that whole ‘Ok Google’ thing on it and I was trying it out and stuff and tested the play music thing and it did which is cool but what’s even cooler than that is the song it played. Highway to Hell by ACDC. Hahahahahah!!! Yeah yeah, you might not think it’s funny but if you knew me better you would. *sigh* So if I wrote here enough maybe you would know me better and understand why that’s so funny to me. See? My proclivity to procrastinate not only hurts me, but it hurts you too. And for that I am sorry.

(the line breaks indicate time breaks that are longer than a month)

So it seems that I can only get one paragraph done at a time.  That is really really poor output. Considering how wordy I can be how much my brain thiiiiiinks all the damn time you’d think I’d be able to crank out more than one measly paragraph at once and maybe more frequently than on a quarterly basis. Why don’t we look at it from a different perspective? My procrastination skills and avoidance behaviors are on point. And man, blogging takes time people, lots of time. And good blogging takes even more time. And it’s not like I got a lot of that hanging around just waiting to get used up. Kind of like my money situation. Blogging may not take much of my money but it takes my time and living takes a lot of money, and I guess I’m living a lot because I’m low on time and dollars. Also, I do not excel in time management. So perhaps this low rate of output is more multifaceted that I originally thought.

Also I feel like maybe I should post more than just one paragraph. I know that people are just sitting around waiting to read this shit going ‘just post something lady, COME ON’ and then when I do they aren’t thinking ‘gyp!!! We waited for how long? For one lousy paragraph?!?!’. Nah man, I know what’s on the other side of this blog and I’m totally ok with that. I still feel like if I’m going get on here and tippity tap this ole keyboard I should at least make the post more substantial than a granola bar. Now don’t get me wrong. I love a good granola bar and there are times they can really hit the spot, but I wouldn’t class them up there with a big ole bowl of macaroni and cheese and that’s what I’d really like to provide any readership that may somehow come across this little bloggo. Just a nice filling bowl of macaroni and cheese. Warm, satisfying, enjoyable, and a nice mix of too many carbs and some protein. So………yeah, I got nuthin’ today that compares to macaroni and cheese. Not even the kind with the powdered cheese. Which sometimes, like a granola bar, can hit the spot. But it’s not like a giant serving of mashed potatoes. God I love mashed potatoes.

Also, sometimes I seriously question my original urge to start this blog. I wonder what the real motivation was. What do I really want from doing this? What’s the real goal here? Write thought provoking yet humorous posts about my only slightly interesting life? Is this a platform to pontificate on the issues of the day, whatever that may be? I know in my very first post I listed a few things I wanted to do with this and I think that yeah, I wanted to pontificate some (who doesn’t? even in private) in a thought provoking and humorous way about issues and my life and what I thought was interesting. I also wanted to talk about the boys in the office and all the awesome conversations they have. There is a running joke now about it….I made a comment once that I was going to chronicle their discussions of various snack foods; socks; when to shower (am or pm); how to dry hair; shoes, sports; dinner; trucks; golf; golf shirts; how fast one can eat four big mac’s, 12 oreos, 12 tacos and many many other foods; candy; chips (what exactly makes a chip a chip); soda; dogs; guns; more food… discussions are the most frequent. And fucking hilarious.

There was gishwhes too. I wanted to really go on and on and on about gishwhes. I did a little. I also bemoaned some drama and some shit. But I am pretty sure that somewhere I did say that this endeavor could end up just a lot of nothing.  And lo! It’s a lot of nothing!! Which isn’t a bad thing. I’m entertained. While it would be really fucking awesome to be like that Jillee* person and have a semi famous blog and maybe earn some cash and have a lot of people think I’m really cool I’d have to ……. be different. I mean I am pretty cool and I make cool shit. I am a pretty good cook. I have a whole SHIT TON of photography to share; earrings to sell; doodads to look at; knits and crochets to wear; dogs to love on; cats to make fun of; really fun friends to talk about; a tv show to fangirl about; music to muse about (heh – alliteration is fun) (jesus I know that was weak alliteration and I can do better) ; issues to pontificate; funny things say……but man, the time. The organizational skills I’d need. I’m so busy doing all those other things actually getting them into a blog to make me super cool, famous and rich is not usually a top priority. Besides, I can’t stay up all goddamned night anymore. Christ, I do that once and I’m toast at work for the next couple of days. So where do I go from here? Hm.

Jesus, and I just lost my train of thought. See? That’s another thing. Train of thought. I go an misplace it all the fucking time. Thus the name of the blog…..concentration lost….heh, it all makes sense now doesn’t it? Yep. Well maybe not much but some things have been explained. Maybe. Ugh.

ANYWAY, maybe I’ll close this post with some random pictures I’ve taken.


^ Taken from the plane flying into Portland

^ A set up of paper beads about to become earrings

^ A dill plant flowered out taken at night, upside down with the flash on

^ The little house thing in my back yard last summer

^ My art table with some of my jewelry making shit out.

^ My sweet Poopsie playing in the hose

^ Some shrooms that were growing in a crook of my pecan tree

^ Lulubelle enjoying the space heater

^ One of the thousands of pictures of the zinnias in my back yard – looooove zinnias

^ Paco – he’s a little disgruntled about the photo op and lack of snack

^ Paco on guard while Poopsie loves on Little Momma

^ Oscar wearing crocheted doughnuts

^ A morning sky from my office window

^ Poopsie putting her rear in the sprinkler

^ Some long ago snow in my backyard at night

^ Christmas lights somewhere in Tulsa

^ Sky, clouds and a rainbow from my back yard

^ Paco chillin’ in the backyard

^ Me and my pal Al on our first ever #SPNFGF (Supernatural Fangirl Friday)

^ An Oregon road

^ Ice Cream the cat and Creepy Baby the doll

^ The Chinese Pastiche that’s famous in my neighborhood in the falltime

^ Some beautiful place in rural Oklahoma – went on a tiny vacation there with a friend

^ An abandoned house I saw going out to the Great Salt Plains one summer

^ Neskowin beach

^ Lulubelle waiting for me to put the phone down

Ok so I took all those pictures myself and if you like them yay and if you don’t oh well and if you think about using them please don’t but tell me you want to and maybe we can work something out but most of all don’t be a dick and say you took those pics or anything and if you don’t like ’em keep that opinion to your self. I’m not egotistical enough to think that these are like the Best Fucking Pictures of Ever and I know they aren’t Magazine Quality or have that Pro Status or whatever, but I took them, I like them, I own them and they tell bits about me, so there. Most important, just don’t be a dick, please, that shit ain’t cool.


*Jillee has that blog/website One Good Thing….. I hope it’s ok to put a link to her here….. cause here it is….